Masculine Monogamy as a Conscious ChoiceAug 21, 2023
This post was written in February 2023, on our 12th wedding anniversary. We had been discussing monogamy in conversations with several clients, and I wrote this post to explore why I have chosen monogamy. Enjoy
Men are always going to be motivated by sex. By the desire to fuck. It’s in our biology.
But we’re also at our best when we are conquering. By facing a challenge and overcoming it, in pursuit of mastery. By applying our mind, our consciousness, our body, to a task that is in alignment with our own inner sense of purpose, to reap the rewards of the fulfillment of that task. The rewards of making progress towards that purpose.
In my life, there has been no more fulfilling purpose than that of self-mastery. Of applying my own consciousness to conquer my own inner weakness, bit by bit.
Desire to live
Sex is what makes us human. Without sex, there would be no humans. The drive for sex is a drive to reproduce, and the fact that it is the highest physical pleasure on earth is evidence of its importance and value.
We are all, quite literally, walking, breathing, sex objects. It’s what made us. Reproduction our highest purpose. It’s pursuit our driving force. It’s achievement, our highest pleasure.
A desire for sex is a desire to be alive. And our biology drives us to have as much of it as possible.
Specifically, it drives men to have as much of it as possible with as many women as possible. And it drives women to have as much of it as possible with the highest quality man she can attract.
Driven to Weakness
This drive to have as many women as possible is used to control men. From the moment he wakes up until he goes to sleep at night. Everything from advertising, social media algorithms, internet porn, dating apps, and much more, have turned men’s sex drive into a game played by others for profit.
Everywhere we turn, men are being played like a character in someone else’s video game. Our biology being used to manipulate us for money.
Buy this thing. Subscribe to this app. Watch this adult video. Chat with this “content creator”. Have some “safe", casual sex with this person.
All little rushes of dopamine that rewards us as if we have actually made progress towards pushing that evolutionary button of pleasure in a way that is leading to procreation.
But we haven’t done anything of the sort. We’ve just given away some money and time, and been gifted a little biological zing in return.
It takes from you, and gives nothing in return. It weakens you, and leaves you emptied of that desire to be alive.
All of this leads to the destruction of a man, from the inside out. Leaves him feeling empty. Because he is empty. Weakened, manipulated, and at the end of his rope.
When a man is in this place, he has been conditioned to be so uncomfortable with the sensation of his sex, that he feels a deeply powerful need to empty himself of desire as soon as he begins to feel even the slightest bit of it.
And with an entire world ready to supply him with easy dopamine in exchange for some money, or some attention that someone can sell for money, it takes no more effort than picking up a cell phone to keep him empty, drained, and distracted.
But when that won’t do, there’s a video game console, a bottle of booze, a joint, a television, addictive hyper-palatable food delivered to his lap, a purposeless job that takes up more than half of his waking life, or any other number of ways to numb him out and keep him weak and controlled.
So what is left of a man for a real life relationship when he’s empty, used up, numb, weak, and controlled?
And how could a real, human woman with all of her own flaws and imperfections ever live up to the standard he holds of immediate gratification of every desire his biology might desire?
That’s what this modern world has trained him to believe is possible and available, with absolutely no effort on his part. Just press a button, get the release.
But what’s more, a real life human woman has needs. She’s emotional. She wants attention. She wants to be a part of something with someone who is going somewhere.
And this shell of a man can’t possibly have the energy to be going anywhere other than back to the next quick hit of dopamine, especially when the real life woman in front of him is anything less than perfection on command.
Getting his way
So much damage is done when we try to live in the human world with the expectation of perfection and immediacy of the online world. After all, porn never gets a headache, it never feels sad and needs a hug, and never needs a man to be strong. It’s just whatever you want, from whoever you want, whenever you want it.
And the same sense of immediate gratification comes from all of these quick dopamine hits that he can get from anywhere, anytime.
And that has led many men to try to recreate this immediate gratification in his real-life world. But since that’s not possible, he ends up using his biology to justify what is actually just weakness.
This leads to these kinds of things that are pervasive from men in the culture of relationships today.
Claiming that they are non-monogamous, and that their biology gives them the right to multiple partners, or the need for more than one woman can provide.
An obsession with passively receiving sexual pleasure.
Embracing lifestyles like Dom/sub as a way to get what they want without being emotionally challenged or present.
Being quick tempered and easily emotionally triggered, lashing out at their real life partner for anything less than her perfection.
Discarding an entire relationship over minor challenges or incompatibilities.
It was twelve years ago today that I married Dawn on a beach in Key West, Florida. And no, it hasn’t always been great, smooth, perfect, and easy.
We’ve had a bumpy ride. We’ve been through intense personal, financial, family, and relationship challenges. There have been so many different times and situations where it would have been easier for one or both of us to just scrap this thing and walk away.
But today, we find ourselves sitting in the happiest, most connected, most passionate marriage that we have ever witnessed.
What made it this way?
Continuing to choose each other through all of the challenges. And my insistence on what’s possible in a relationship between a man and a woman.
Every time that something has torn this relationship down to the ground, we’ve looked at each other and our love, and we’ve built something better out of the rubble.
And I’m damn proud of that.
Not only has it led to us being where we are as a couple. It’s made me into the man that I am today, because of how I’ve had to stare down my own weaknesses, faults, and imperfections in the wake of every challenge.
The value of choosing a woman
Why would a man choose monogamy in a world where he can have almost unlimited casual sex with as many different women as he wanted?
Because we are better off when we’re facing and overcoming a challenge than we are taking the easy route.
It’s the easy route that leads us to the numb, empty shell of a man that I outlined earlier in this essay. It’s weak.
The biggest value in choosing a woman and sticking with her, for a man, is the fact that it’s the hardest choice to make. It’s not like your biology is ever going to stop screaming at you to fuck every pretty woman you see. It’s just how we’re made.
But I’ve seen the destruction that’s caused when we follow our biology, rather than pursuing self-mastery. And the meaningless rushes of excitement are nothing compared to the deep fulfillment of knowing that I’ve put my own biology under my control.
If men don’t master our own biology, then we are just a slave to our impulses.
And this is what choosing monogamy has done for me.
Masculine Self Mastery
Coming back to an earlier point, sex, and our desire for it, is the basis for the entire human experience. It’s our only way to reproduce our genetics, and we are driven to do so by our biological desires.
And rewarded for doing so by the pleasure of orgasm.
It’s a hell of a powerful feedback loop.
If our sexuality is the basis of our humanity, we either need to have it under our voluntary, conscious control, or we will be involuntarily, unconsciously controlled by it.
This feedback loop is either building me up from my biological, foundation level unconscious desire to fuck into something higher, or it is tearing me down to it.
Either it is leading me, or I am leading it.
Everything else in life will fall to the level of my sexual self-control. I will only rise as a man to my level of sexual self-mastery. Because again, the energy of sex is the energy of creation.
What do I gain?
And here lies the value that I have received from 12 years of monogamous commitment to Dawn.
In continuing to choose her, and allowing my base biological desires to be subject to the relationship that I have chosen, I have conquered so much of my inner weakness.
The deeper we have gone, the more I have had to challenge every corner of my inner being, bringing my inner world more and more into integrity with the commitment to my marriage and our love.
And her steadfast, loyal love has stood by me as I’ve continued to work to conquer myself. Not because I’ve been perfect, but because our love for each other was worth it.
But the most important thing that I have gained is a sense of self control, and a level of confidence that I would not have thought possible.
Not the false bravado version of confidence that passes as “alpha” in the online world. But a deep seated sense of inner dominance that could only be built on a very strong foundation.
It’s not as if my biology isn’t still there, screaming at me every second. If anything, it’s gotten louder, stronger, and more intense as I’ve grown into the man that I am today. Conquering it isn’t making it disappear. It’s learning to hold it and let it grow, rather than numbing it out or emptying myself.
Instead, I let it be there. I appreciate it. And I hold it within me, to harness its energy for my life.
Rather than the sense of discomfort that I used to feel with any “urge” in me, that I would quickly work to eliminate to get myself back to empty, I now let that build in me. I feel the desire. I feel the intensity. I appreciate this as my life force. My drive to live and bring my consciousness into the world.
Another unexpected benefit from the choice to master my biological urges through a devotion to integrity and monogamy has been the ability I have gained to be vulnerable.
When living at empty, I had no inner capacity to receive Dawn’s expressions. Any feelings, emotions, or fears that were anything less than perfectly sweet, loving, and sexual felt like threats, because I held no baseline inner strength.
Of course, I didn’t know that at the time.
But as I’ve built my own capacity to control my biology, and begun to hold that energy, rather than numbing or emptying myself, I’ve gained the unexpected strength to hold more of her emotional expression.
It’s not threatening to me anymore. I feel safe to open my heart to her and receive her, no matter how she feels. And that has allowed me to recognize the truth of how deeply her love can be felt in every emotion she feels.
I can truly see her as an embodiment of love, because I’m strong enough to not go running for cover every time I sense a gathering emotional storm.
That strength has also allowed me to be vulnerable in my leadership. I’m not afraid to speak up for my desires and needs like I used to be when I was running on empty. Because not getting them doesn’t feel so terrifying.
And having the strength to speak up for my desires and needs with confidence makes it much easier for Dawn to relax and trust the clarity of my vision and go where I’m asking her to go.
Throughout our marriage, I have maintained a relentless belief that it’s possible to continue to have an intense, passionate sexual connection with the person who you love and cherish the most.
Despite the fact that this “having it all” seems impossible, based on almost every relationship you see, and the assumption and belief that passion fades with time, that intensity belongs to the early infatuation stage of a relationship, and that its death is inevitable.
I have been unwavering in my pursuit of this combination of close intimate love and passionate, intense sexual desire. I honestly think that this is what everyone wants, to have both deep love and intense sex. I’m just not willing to live in a world where it’s not possible.
Twelve years into this marriage, I can honestly say that we are living at this intersection of love and passion. And that what we are doing for a living and teaching to others is deeply authentic and true to our own experience.
And I can say without any hesitation that it’s only been possible through my own inner mastery of my biology. By harnessing and transmuting my sexual desire to build this relationship with Dawn, and to build this platform, Infinite Devotion, as a testament to our love.
Choose the hard path
Monogamy feels like a prison, when looked at through the lens of what you can’t have.
But it looks like freedom, when looked at through the lens of what I’ve gained by choosing to seek and conquer my own inner weakness, rather than seeking to conquer as many women as possible.
Monogamy is harder. There’s no immediate gratification. A woman’s love feels fickle because it is, when you are.
She won’t fully open herself to you until you have fully chosen her. And if she isn’t feeling fully chosen, you aren’t experiencing all of the love she could be giving you.
The easy route is always the unfulfilling one. And the challenge of maintaining integrity, honor, virtue, and living up to your word is hard.
Back to what I said at the beginning of this piece. Men are at our best when we’re overcoming challenges. Slaying dragons. Fighting battles and winning them.
There is no greater challenge than the battle within yourself to conquer your sexuality. And there is no greater reward than having done so.
And from where I stand, fully choosing one woman and making your love for her and leadership of her a priority, and fighting to maintain and build your integrity to that promise, is the the ultimate battleground for a man.
Channeling all of that sexual desire into one woman allows us to receive back from her in a way that nothing but full commitment will ever allow.
It’s the hardest path, because it means conquering and mastering the energy that created you, so that you can use it to create something greater than yourself.
And that’s exactly what makes it worth it.
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