The Illusion of Healing Work — And What Happens When You Stop Trying

“Letting go isn’t a process. It’s not a strategy. It’s not something you achieve over time. Letting go is the moment you stop holding on.” 

In Episode 89 of the Dom Sub Devotion Podcast, I sat down with Sven Loss for one of the most piercing and clarifying conversations I’ve had in a long time. We didn’t talk about how to heal your wounds. We didn’t walk through a step-by-step roadmap to becoming your “highest self.” What we did instead was name a quieter, more dangerous truth:

Most healing work is just ego in a new outfit.

It’s an identity—one built around the idea that something is wrong with me, and I have to work really hard to fix it. The problem? That identity becomes the thing you start protecting. The one you defend, invest in, and even feel secretly proud of. And the longer you keep it alive, the more exhausted and disoriented you become.

Sven and I both found our way into this work backwards. Neither of us started by seeking healing. We started by experiencing something that didn’t match anything we’d been taught—and then tried to make sense of it afterward. He cried on a rooftop after realizing he’d spent his whole life trying to be seen as a “good guy.” I had a moment during an EMDR session where it all fell apart. The game. The performance. The act. Gone.

What’s left when the act drops?

For many people, the answer is: a terrifying void.

Because when you’ve built your whole life around the problem you’re trying to fix, who are you without it?

Healing Is Not Work. It’s the End of Work.

One of the most powerful points Sven made in our conversation was this:

“If letting go requires effort, you’re not letting go. You’re holding on.” 

We live in a culture that worships effort. Hustle. Shadow work. Self-development. And in certain seasons, yes—those things can crack something open. But too often, we get addicted to the work itself. The self-analysis. The journaling. The step-by-step process. The nervous system protocols. We call it devotion, but it’s often disguised fear.

Sven works with people who are ready to stop. Not collapse. Not bypass. But actually stop. To no longer need the identity of someone in process. And when that happens? The whole thing dissolves. And you realize it was never real to begin with. 

Why This Matters in Power Exchange

This podcast isn’t just about healing—it’s about polarity, power, love, and devotion. So let’s make this practical:

If you’re trying to be more dominant, you aren’t.

If you’re trying to act more feminine, you aren’t.

If you’re forcing desire, managing intimacy, or controlling your expression in order to be who you think your partner needs—you’re just performing another identity.

True Dominance doesn’t come from control.

It comes from submission to truth.

And true submission doesn’t come from obedience.

It comes from trusting the unknown, even when it’s terrifying.

The relationships that change you are the ones where you stop trying to earn love. You stop leading with your trauma. You stop navigating your connection like a project. And instead, you start telling the truth. You start following your impulse. You let desire speak. And you let go.

The Difference Between Safety and Comfort

There’s a moment in this conversation where I say:

“This isn’t going to be comfortable, but you’ll feel very safe being uncomfortable.” 

That’s the paradox. When you’re truly living from your heart—when you’re no longer performing, chasing, or hiding—you will feel deeply unsafe to the old you. And yet, you’ll be more grounded, more alive, and more free than you’ve ever been.

This is where real Dominance is born.

This is where submission becomes sacred.

This is where polarity becomes felt, not theorized.

Ask Yourself This

If you’ve been spinning in your relationship…

If you’re tired of trying to “do it right”…

If the healing journey has become your identity…

Ask yourself this:

Where am I still trying to get?

And why? 

What’s the story you’re still telling about yourself that makes that destination feel necessary?

Because when you see the story for what it is—not reality, just memory—you might be able to drop it.

And then? You won’t have to become someone else to feel free. You’ll simply return to the you that was never broken in the first place.

Listen to the full conversation with Sven Loss on Episode 89 of the Dom Sub Devotion Podcast. 

Click Here to listen now! 

You can find Sven on Instagram at @sven.loss or at https://svenloss.com