Are you strong enough to be a Dom? Not if you can't handle emotions

Let me ask you a direct question: Are you strong enough to be a Dominant?

Not strong enough to tell her what to do. Not strong enough to enforce rules or play out scenes. I'm asking if you're strong enough to actually lead her.

Because here's what most men don't understand when they step into dominance: real strength isn't about being unmoved by emotion. It's about being able to handle emotion without shutting down, without running away, without needing it to stop.

And if you can't do that, you're not strong enough. Not yet.

I know that's confrontational. Good. Because too many men are walking around thinking they're Dominant when really they're just emotionally shut down, hiding behind a performance of strength while avoiding the one thing that would actually make them powerful: emotional openness.

Over seven years in a 24/7 Dominant/submissive dynamic with my wife Dawn, I've had to learn this the hard way. I came into this thinking dominance meant being unshakeable, unreactive, almost stoic. What I learned is that version of dominance is just fear dressed up as leadership.

If you want to be truly Dominant, if you want her to actually surrender to you, you need to be strong enough to feel. Strong enough to be present with emotional intensity without being destroyed by it.

You can't lead someone you can't feel.

And if that makes you uncomfortable, that's exactly why you need to hear this.

The Lie You've Been Sold About Strength

There's a version of dominance that gets passed around in the manosphere, in red pill spaces, in discussions about what it means to be a strong man. It goes like this:

To be Dominant, you need to be completely unaffected by a woman's emotions. You don't move when she's upset. You don't care how she feels. You remain stoic, unmoved, solid as a rock.

And if you react to her emotions, if you feel them, if they affect you in any way, you're weak. You're pussy-whipped. You've lost your frame.

That's bullshit.

That's not strength. That's emotional numbing. That's fear of feeling masquerading as masculine power.

And here's how I know: when you're emotionally armored like that, when you're playing the stoic, you're not actually present. You might be physically there. You might be going through the motions of dominance. But if nobody's home, if you're not actually there feeling her and sensing her reality, she can feel that absence.

And she can't relax into it.

You know what she does instead? She tests you. She resists. She seems like she's not really submitting, like she's just performing or trying to control things.

And you think, "See? She's the problem. She's not submissive enough. She's too controlling."

No. You're the problem. Because you're not actually there.

Why She Tests You (And Why You Keep Failing)

Let me tell you something about feminine testing that most men completely misunderstand.

There's only one reason she tests you. One reason she challenges you, pushes back, seems to resist your leadership.

She's checking to see if you're actually present.

She needs to know: are you all the way here? Are you conscious? Are you paying attention? Or are there gaps in your awareness where, if she lets go of control, she'll be dropped?

That's it. That's the only reason.

And when your heart is closed, when you're emotionally armored, you fail that test every single time.

Not because you're not strong enough. But because you're hiding. You're protecting yourself from feeling, and in doing so, you're making it impossible for her to feel safe enough to surrender.

She can't submit into a void. She can't let go to someone who isn't there to catch her.

So ask yourself: are you failing her tests because she's too difficult? Or because you're too afraid to actually be present?

You're Already Sensitive (You're Just Pretending You're Not)

Here's something that might piss you off: you're already emotionally sensitive.

You know when you walk into the house and she says "I'm fine" but you immediately know something's off? You feel it. That subtle shift in energy. That sense that something's wrong even though she's smiling.

That's your emotional sensitivity. Your ability to read her, to sense what's actually happening beneath the surface.

That's your natural design as a man.

As the masculine, as the Dominant in a relationship, your job is to be conscious. To be aware. To witness what's happening in the emotional field so you can lead effectively.

But here's what most men do: they feel that sensitivity, they sense her emotional reality, and then they shut it out because it feels dangerous. Because her being upset makes them uncomfortable. Because they don't know what to do with it.

So they numb themselves. They armor up. They tell themselves they're being stoic when really they're just avoiding.

And then they wonder why the relationship feels flat. Why she doesn't really open to them. Why submission feels like a performance instead of something real.

It's because you're not there. You're hiding from the very thing that would make you powerful.

The Question You Need to Answer

So here's the question you need to sit with: Are you strong enough to feel her without shutting down?

Can you sense when she's upset and not immediately try to fix it or make it go away?

Can you be present with her emotions without needing them to be different?

Can you hold space for intensity, for messiness, for her being human, without it destroying you?

If you can't, you're not strong enough to be a Dominant. Not yet.

Because real dominance, the kind that creates actual surrender, requires that you can feel into her reality more deeply than she can articulate it.

Not to fix it. Not to manage it. But to understand it. To witness it. To be present with what's actually true for her, even when it's uncomfortable, even when it's aimed at you.

The best Dominants are so present, so open, that they can sense what she needs in real time. They know when to push and when to soften. When to hold firm and when to let go.

That's not about following a rulebook. That's about being attuned to the human being in front of you.

And you can't do that when you're emotionally shut down.

Why You Shut Down (And Why It's Keeping You Weak)

I get it. You didn't shut down for no reason.

As a young boy, you were incredibly sensitive. You picked up on everything. Mom's mood. Dad's anger. Tension in the family. You could feel when you were wanted and when you weren't.

And that sensitivity got you hurt.

Maybe through an angry or emotionally absent father. Maybe through bullying. Maybe through rejection from girls or friends. Whatever the specifics, your nervous system learned that being emotionally open equals pain.

So you armored up. You shut down. You told yourself that sensitivity is weakness because others exploited it, because others punished it.

You closed your heart to survive.

And I'm not blaming you for that. You were a kid. You did what you had to do.

But here's what you need to understand: the thing you shut down to survive boyhood is exactly what you need for manhood.

The capacity you closed off to protect yourself is the capacity required for real dominance, for real strength, for being a powerful man.

And keeping it closed isn't protecting you anymore. It's limiting you. It's keeping you from accessing your actual power.

So the question is: are you going to keep hiding behind that armor? Or are you strong enough to do the work to open back up?

What Strength Actually Looks Like

Real strength isn't about being unmoved by emotion. It's about being able to be with emotion without being destroyed by it.

It's about having the capacity to feel everything, to be present with intensity, without needing it to stop.

That takes more courage than shutting down ever will.

And here's what most men don't understand: you can be all heart AND all spine.

Opening your heart doesn't mean becoming weak. It doesn't mean losing your edge. It doesn't mean becoming that soft, passive man who gets walked all over.

It means increasing your capacity to feel without being overwhelmed by it.

The strongest men aren't the ones who don't feel anything. They're the ones who can feel everything and remain solid.

When both your heart and your spine are fully online, they balance each other. They make you more powerful, not less.

The Test: Can You Handle This?

Here's a simple test of whether you're actually strong enough to be a Dominant:

She comes home upset. What do you do?

If you're weak (pretending to be strong): You shut down and ignore it. Or you immediately jump into fix-it mode, offering solutions, making jokes, doing anything to make your discomfort go away. Because her being upset feels threatening to you.

If you're actually strong: You can just be curious. "You seem upset." You let her know you feel her. Maybe she needs to be held. You listen. You're present without needing to change what she's feeling.

You meet her emotion with acceptance. You don't flinch from it. You don't try to make it stop. You just be with her in it.

And here's what happens: because you're not resisting it, because you're actually present, it moves through her instead of hanging on and on.

That's the dominance she's craving. That presence. That ability to be with her in whatever she's experiencing without falling apart.

That's what creates safety. That's what allows her to let go.

But you can't do that when you're hiding behind emotional armor.

The Work (If You're Strong Enough to Do It)

Opening your heart is going to feel weak. Every man I've worked with who's gotten to this point has said, "This feels so weak."

That's how you know you're on the right path.

It's not actually weakness. It's just accessing pain. It's opening something you locked away to survive.

And on the other side of that pain is more strength, more presence, more capacity than you've ever had.

The work might look like:

• Working with a therapist or coach
• EMDR therapy to process trauma
• Internal Family Systems (IFS) work
• Journaling
• Meditation

The method matters less than the commitment.

What matters is that you stop avoiding your pain. That you're willing to feel it so you can heal it.

Because that's what actually makes you strong. Not the armor. Not the performance. The willingness to go into the uncomfortable places and come out the other side.

So, Are You Strong Enough?

Here's what I want you to sit with:

Are you strong enough to feel her without shutting down?

Are you strong enough to be present with emotion without needing it to stop?

Are you strong enough to open your heart without losing your spine?

If you can't, that's okay. But be honest about it. Don't pretend your emotional shutdown is strength. Don't call your fear "stoicism."

And if you want to actually become strong, if you want to be the kind of Dominant who creates real surrender, who builds depth and trust and a relationship that actually feels good, you need to do the work.

You need to heal your heart. You need to reclaim your sensitivity. You need to become strong enough to feel.

You cannot be sensitive without being strong.

It requires tremendous strength to keep your heart open. Courage to do the healing work.

And it makes you better. A better man. A better Dominant. Better for yourself, better for her, better for the world.

So my challenge to you is this: prove you're strong enough.

Do the work to open your heart. No matter how painful. No matter how scary.

Because on the other side of that work is the kind of power, the kind of presence, the kind of dominance that actually creates what you're looking for.

She's not resisting your leadership. She's testing whether you're actually strong enough to lead her.

Are you?

If you want to go deeper on this, I did a full episode breaking down why emotional armor is actually weakness, how to heal your heart without losing your edge, and what it really takes to be strong enough to lead from presence.

You can listen here: infinitedevotion.com/podcasts/dom-sub-devotion

Or search for Dom Sub Devotion on YouTube, Apple Podcasts or Spotify.