How I Dom Myself: The Private Practices Behind Dominant Presence

The foundation of dominance isn't what you do to your partner. It's how you show up for yourself

There's a common misconception about dominance in relationships: that it's primarily about what you do to or with your submissive partner. That it's about commands, control, or cultivating a particular kind of presence that makes someone want to submit to you.

But here's what most people miss: Real dominance starts long before you ever interact with another person.

In this week's episode of the Dom Sub Devotion podcast, I'm sharing something I don't talk about often. The invisible, unglamorous, deeply personal work that creates the foundation for everything else in my relationship with Dawn. This isn't a highlight reel or a performance. It's the truth about what it actually takes to hold space for another person's surrender.

The Truth About What Creates Dominant Energy

Everything about our life requires that I am able to be present. Everything about our relationship, everything about our business requires me to be able to really be there, and that's not something I can do if I am rushed, if I'm busy, if I'm hurried, if I am overwhelmed, if I'm burned out.

This episode isn't an instruction manual or a checklist to follow. It's an intimate look at how I've learned to cultivate inner strength, self-command, and the kind of steady presence that allows Dawn to completely let go of control. Not because I force it, but because she genuinely wants to.

It Started With Learning to Say No

Ten years ago, on New Year's Day 2016, I looked at the year ahead and realized something devastating: my entire year was already spoken for. Every bit of my time was committed to obligations, debts, employees, committees, and promises I'd made. I valued freedom above all else, yet had almost none of it.

The next day, January 2nd, I made as many phone calls as I could. I quit, resigned, backed down, and pulled back from everything possible. I recaptured my time, then fiercely protected it.

The life that I've built now 10 years later, where I do really have complete control over what I do with my time from when I wake up in the morning till I go to bed at night, I don't do anything I don't want to do. I built that out of the time that I carved out by saying no.

This wasn't about being selfish. It was about recognizing a fundamental truth: you cannot show up powerfully for others when you've given yourself away piece by piece until there's nothing left.

The Morning Routine: Setting the Pace of Life

I wake between 4:45 and 5:00 AM. Not to work. Not to grind. Not to "get shit done."

I wake up early to spend time with myself doing nothing.

I pour coffee. I sit. I breathe. I pet my dog. I watch the fireplace. For thirty minutes, I simply exist without rushing into thoughts about what needs to be done. This quiet, unhurried start sets the tone for everything that follows.

A quiet, unhurried start to the day for me sets the tone for me of being sovereign over my life and over my time.

After this peaceful beginning, I move into meditation. Fifteen to thirty minutes of breath-focused practice. This isn't spiritual. It's practical. It's focus training. When my mind wanders (and it always does), I notice and bring my attention back to my breath. Over and over. This trains my ability to direct my attention rather than being dragged around by random thoughts.

Following meditation comes visualization. Not to force outcomes, but to align my energy with the life I'm building. I imagine myself comfortable in the future I'm creating, building coherence between who I am now and where I'm going.

Then journaling. An absolute "train wreck" with no structure or purpose except to be a bucket where I can dump my thoughts.

Finally, a walk. Outside. Even in cold. Even in rain. Moving in my body, breathing fresh air, feeling myself present.

Only then do I make breakfast for Dawn.

This entire morning routine takes a couple of hours. Not because I have to, but because I've created a life where I can. Where the morning belongs to me.

Fitness: From Self-Punishment to Self-Love

I used to weigh nearly 100 pounds more than I do now. For years, fitness was something I did because I hated myself. Hated my body, hated how I looked.

But I learned something crucial: When you hate your body, when you hate your life, when there's something that you don't like and all you want to do is get away from it, you might be able to escape momentarily, but if the drive and the motivation is still in what you don't want, you haven't really overcome the reason that you have the problem in the first place.

Now I train because I love myself. Because being strong makes me feel better. Because taking care of my body is a natural extension of actually caring about myself.

I walk 10,000 to 15,000 steps daily. I lift weights three or four times weekly. I do endurance training on my rower. I cycle. I live actively. Not to punish myself into being different, but because I enjoy taking care of myself.

When you truly love yourself, you naturally want to treat yourself better. And when you feel good in your body, everyone around you feels that energy.

The Understated Power of Listening

Here's something unexpected: I've found that learning to be a good listener has been one of the most critical practices for developing inner strength.

Listening is the purest form of presence. Being able to hear other people's experience, to be curious about their experience, to listen when Dawn is having emotional challenges or she's processing things, to be able to be there to really hear her. Yes, it's valuable for her, but it's even more valuable for me.

Deep listening is like "weightlifting for your nervous system." It trains you to be safe in other people's chaotic experiences. To recognize that what they're experiencing isn't about you. To stay steady when everything around you is in motion.

But perhaps more importantly, learning to listen to others teaches you to listen to yourself. To notice when you're getting triggered. To catch reactivity early. To recognize when you're out of balance before you crash into a wall.

This is about awareness of the moment, and it is not just something that you get to achieve later. It's something that you can train and practice by learning to listen to others.

Building Competence: The Quiet Confidence of Capability

When something breaks, I don't automatically call for help. I try to fix it myself first. When my truck breaks down, before calling a tow truck, I open YouTube and see if I can figure it out.

This isn't about saving money or proving masculinity. It's about something deeper: building trust in yourself.

The more that I learn how to handle things that I didn't know how to do, the more solid that I feel and the more that I'm able to trust myself. When you can trust yourself, other people can trust you.

Every new skill learned, every problem solved, every time you're willing to look dumb and be a beginner, it all builds quiet confidence. The kind that doesn't need to announce itself. The kind that Dawn feels when she wonders "what if something goes wrong?" and realizes she doesn't need to worry because I've proven to myself (and therefore to her) that I can figure things out.

Competence for me is quiet dominance. When you can handle life, when I can handle whatever life throws at me, the more that I learn how to handle things that I didn't know how to do, the more solid that I feel.

Systems Create Freedom, Not Restriction

For years, I avoided calendars and systems. I didn't want to be "tied down." I wanted to handle life as it came.

But what that actually created was chaos. Always chasing, always at the whim of uncertainty, always feeling behind.

Then I heard something that changed my perspective: You don't use a calendar to restrict yourself. You use it to control the things that have to be done so you can create space for what you want to do.

Now I use systems extensively. An adapted version of Getting Things Done for task management. Everything that pops into my head goes into Apple Reminders immediately. Recurring tasks for weekly, monthly, quarterly, and annual obligations. A calendar that blocks time for what matters, including mid-week adventures to national parks when everyone else is working.

For me to be able to be and feel dominant in my life, I can't rely on my memory. I need to be able to use my brain towards creative pursuits, towards leadership, towards the things that matter more to me than remembering to give Snoop Dogg his heartworm medication.

External structure frees up internal space. It removes the mental load. It ensures promises are kept without having to remember them. And when you're not using mental energy tracking obligations, you have so much more available for presence, creativity, and leadership.

The Daily Review: Staying Aligned With What Matters

Twice a day, every morning and every evening, I review the same document. It contains:

My vision for my life and for my relationship with Dawn
My values in order: truth, authenticity, abundance, integrity, sexual liberation, beauty, humility, and fun
Personal reminders like "be gentle with yourself" or "I do not do anything in a hurry. I live on my own time at my own pace."

I need to have these things top of mind. You don't just write out a vision for your life and then forget about it.

This practice keeps me aligned. It prevents impulse from taking over. It helps me make decisions that are congruent with who I actually am rather than who I am in a moment of weakness, distraction, or short-term pleasure-seeking.

When you're living a life that's aligned with your deepest values, you feel solid. And when you feel solid, everyone around you feels that in you.

Habit Building: Keeping Promises to Yourself

Recently, I discovered an app called Streaks that lets me track daily habits. Complete a task, mark it done, watch the streak build.

I'm using it to stretch daily (something my stiff body desperately needs). To meditate consistently. 

This is a great way for me to build new habits that help me create this dominant frame in a way that's invisible, that isn't about you trying to look dominant, but really building discipline without needing to force it, without needing to prove it. Just by showing up every day.

It's another way of keeping promises to myself. Another form of self-leadership. Another brick in the foundation.

What This All Actually Builds

None of these practices are about looking impressive. They're not performative. No one sees most of this work.

But everything I've shared builds toward one critical quality: presence.

The ability to be fully there. Steady. Grounded. Not rushed, not reactive, not overwhelmed, not needing anything from anyone else because you've taken care of yourself so completely that you have energy to give.

When I've really got myself, when I'm tending to myself, then I have the energy to give, to take care of her, to run our business, to manage our life where we're traveling nomadic and all over the place all the time. I can handle all of it when I prioritize taking care of me.

This is how dominance becomes real rather than performed. This is how your leadership becomes trustworthy. This is how you build a sense of calm and strength that allows someone else to completely surrender.

That's where you form a frame and a strength that's solid enough for her to surrender into.

The Invitation

What I share in this episode isn't a prescription. It's not a checklist. It's not "the right way."

It's my honest account of what I've learned to do for myself that creates the foundation for everything else in my relationship and my life.

Some of it might resonate. Some might not fit your life at all. That's exactly as it should be.

But the principle underneath all of it is universal: You cannot give what you don't have. You cannot lead from strength you haven't cultivated. You cannot create safety for another person's surrender if you haven't first learned to take care of yourself.

If you want to understand what it really takes to hold dominant presence in a relationship, the unsexy, unglamorous, deeply personal work that happens in private, this episode offers a rare glimpse behind the curtain.

Listen to the full episode to go even deeper into these concepts and learn more about my own personal practices. How I Dom Myself: The Private Practices Behind Dominant Presence - Episode 110 of Dom Sub Devotion.

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Dom Sub Devotion explores what it takes to make dominant-submissive dynamics work inside loving, healthy relationships. New episodes every week.