Truth, Freedom, and Why Our Relationship is Not A "Divine Union"

Most people who talk about Divine Union are not actually living it. 

Hell, most people who talk about it don’t even understand what the fuck they’re saying. They’re spreading their trauma, cloaking it in a word salad of pretty nuanced language, making it sound like they know something. 

Most of them have themselves pretty well convinced, it seems. 

But what most people call divine union in relationship is just this: 

A co-created illusion of security that looks like a spiritual partnership, but is nothing more than a clever egoic avoidance of pain. 

They slap sacred language onto a relationship container that is attempting, at it’s core, to cover up for a fear of loss, a fear of rejection, and a fear of not being worthy of love. 

But divine union is not a balm for your fears…it is the death of the one who has anything to fear at all. 

~~~

Let’s get this clear off the bat. 

Just because you’re in a relationship doesn't mean you’re in a union.

You enter divine union by dying, not by getting. By being willing to face every single place inside of you that clings to identity, safety, and control. 

And then, if you’re fortunate enough to connect with someone equally devoted to truth, someone just as willing to let go of EVERYTHING in service to what is real, then you BEGIN the long road of finding your own INDIVIDUAL connection to the divine. 

The experience of union begins when both you AND your partner have stopped trying to control each other, because you’ve stopped trying to control yourselves, and you’ve each come into a deep state of love and trust for life, alongside each other. 

You don’t get to “decide” that you’re in a divine union or label your relationship that way. This is what your relationship becomes, after you’ve both died every death, and surrendered to be with what's still standing on the other side. 

You don’t get to slap that label on your brand new relationship to try to enforce some spiritual bullshit. And you definitely don’t get to claim it because “the plant medicine told you”. 

I mean you can, but you’re just deceiving yourself. And that is, sadly, everything you tend to see on social media. Well branded self deception. 

But some fancy graphic design templates don’t make it real. 

Union is simply what remains after every single illusion has burned away, and two individuals are emotionally and spiritually naked in each other’s presence. And celebrating together. 

Your relationship is the fire that does all of that burning. 

Because when you mix the energy of Eros with love and deep intimacy, your deepest wounds get touched. Your oldest stories get activated. Your ugliest fears get mirrored back to you. All of your childhood pain, all of your relationship trauma from the past. All of it gets to be seen by another human being…

Who is full of their own wounds, stories, fears, pain, and trauma. 

It’s messy. It’s confronting. It’s deep intimacy, in service of complete and total ego death.  

It’s not a product to be sold. And it’s definitely not something you can learn, or teach, in a fucking workshop. 

~~~

This is where so many people go wrong. They hear about the concept of “divine union” from someone who is completely clueless, talking about their “union” in some nice woo woo language. Their egoic need to guarantee love thinks “that sounds incredible”.

Then they meet someone who they have deep attraction to, and the stirring of their souls assume this must be that divine union thing! I’m in a spiritual relationship! UNION! YAY! Now I won’t ever be abandoned! 

It’s not divine union. 

It’s a good old fashioned trauma bond. 

That’s not a problem…it’s necessary. Valuable. Trauma bonds are essential. Dawn and I had an intense one that we’ve been unwinding for 16 YEARS. 

The trauma bond and the felt intensity from it actually reflects the potential for union…but it is not the actual embodiment of it.

It’s the telephone ringing, telling you that you can access God and heaven on earth with this person, if you’re willing to answer and never hang up.

But when people feel this resonance, the intensity of the trauma bond, they try to lock in the fantasy. They call it sacred. They build containers and impose rules. All to try to manage desire, avoid pain, and hold onto a version of love that feels safe. 

But anything that feels safe isn’t union. Union is the resurrected freedom on the other side of the death of everything you thought you were when you met that person. 

Anything that tries to control isn’t devotion. Anything that feels comfortable, especially without having died a thousand deaths together, isn’t oneness. 

It’s basic codependency. 

Women, especially, are the ones hurt by these disembodied teachings. Because they ache so deeply to be seen, held, and heard by a man, in world where there are so few actual men able and willing to do the seeing, holding, and hearing.

So the concept of union sounds like everything a woman yearns for. And they hear other women talking about their “unions” in soft breathy voices and flowery language and think…”that’s it! That’s what I’ve been seeking…and she must have it figured out!”

And she falls for the carefully constructed facade. 

By and large, the whole ecosystem of women teaching other women about divine union is just capitalizing on women’s desire to find some sort of relationship structure that they can capture a man inside of. 

It’s selling the fantasy that divine union is a way to guarantee he never leaves her, because above all else, she fears abandonment that confirms her internal belief that she is not enough. 

She’s not wrong for having that belief. It’s a very normal way for women to cope with the ways they’ve been deeply hurt, to believe that the pain was somehow due to her own shortcomings. Because then, she can actually do something about it. She can “work on herself” and try to earn her worthiness, and eventually, believe she’s lovable. 

But all of that is based on a lie. A belief about her worthiness that was never even true, just a meaning she made to try to gain control when she felt deeply hurt.

And then these divine union teachings end up reinforcing that same lie. And people end up getting hurt with their own pain, because it takes them deeper into the problem. 

Here’s how: The control and manipulation inherent in these ego based “union” teachings pushes men either into a soft, head in the clouds, spiritual ego, where he tries to perform the “union guy” identity to get HIS egoic unconscious needs met…or if he has any balls at all, he’s repulsed by the whole thing and he just walks away. And she’s left with a soft, feminine man who doesn’t make her wet….or she’s just left. 

~~~

So, are Dawn and I in a “divine union”? Lots of people like to think so. But in reality, we aren’t. Not yet. It’s what I crave more than anything, to lead us to that kind of freedom together. 

We are on the path, just like everyone else. Quite a ways down the path, yes, and committed to continuing, no matter what the cost. 

We’ve touched it. We’ve felt what it makes possible. But we’re not “there”. 

~~~

Here’s the truth as we’ve experienced it. 

Divine Union isn’t what you experience when you fall in love. It’s what you experience when you've fallen apart. 

It’s what you experience when you’ve seen every part of yourself you have used to earn, get, or keep love…and let all of them die. 

It’s what you get to live after you’ve stopped trying to control what the other person wants and blessed their FREEDOM instead. 

It’s what you get to be after you’ve stopped using your relationship to soothe your fear of rejection and abandonment and turned to God and truth to remember who you are. 

Divine union is NOT a partnership between two people. 

It is the EXPERIENCE of two people living in deep intimacy, who have each had their entire ego dissolved through their individual devotion to the Divine. 

Two people who have become so rooted in truth, so broken open by life, so dismantled by devotion, that there is nothing left in them that NEEDS to be loved. So there is nothing left that needs to control anything to GET love.

What remains is only what wants to give unconditional love. 

And if you ask yourself, what would it take for me to live beyond all need to control, change, or limit my partner? What would it take for me to feel no jealousy or fear of losing them? What would it take for me to celebrate their freedom, no matter what that freedom meant that they did with their one precious life? 

That will begin to show you all of the places where you’re not in a deep love affair with your own divinity, but instead are using your partner to fill a void (that isn’t even real). 

~~~

This is why it has to happen in relationship. The entire process of dying to self, of truly becoming an empty vessel, can’t happen without someone showing you where you live in fear, jealousy, longing, rage, terror, fight, flight, freeze, or any other reactive state. 

You need to see all of these places, and then decide…this experience that I'm having is mine.

You use the moment, surrender, and die to the part of yourself that is in resistance to what is. 

You don’t reach for control, make demands, and you definitely don’t use phrases like “leaky container” to shame your partner into not wanting what they want or exploring who they are, or to give yourself a spiritual justification to deny yourself.

Instead, you ask yourself, "Can I be with this?" and you let it fucking BURN you. You let it expose the parts of you that are still trying to grip and grasp onto love. And you sit in the fire as they die off, and on the other side you realize the most special thing in the world…

You’re still okay…and you’re free from that reactivity once and for all. 

And then, you do the same for them. You witness them. You hold true to yourself while they fall apart. And you both fall in love with what is real, and sacrifice every last vestige of comfort. 

The path to divine union is not one of forced, performative merging, which is really just rebranded codependency. 

It’s a path of unraveling. 

It’s not about spiritual rules, it’s about radical trust. Trust in God, trust in self, trust in life. 

And most of all, divine union is not a path of owning your partner, but one of standing so fully in your own self love that you would rather lose that partner than abandon yourself. 

But you never lose that partner. Because from a life beyond ego, you realize that you can give your beloved the greatest gift that any human can ever receive. 

Unconditional love and freedom. 

And when two people have gone through this dismantling together, and are entirely free to be themselves with each other...no one ever needs to go anywhere. 

Divine union is about sovereignty, not safety. Surrender, not strategy. Devotion to SELF, no matter the cost. 

~~~

When you reach the place of devotion to self, something changes. Not because the work is done, but because you’re not afraid of the cost. 

There’s always a point in this journey where the hill is crested, and on the other side, you no longer need your partner to heal on your timeline. You don’t fear their freedom. You don’t need to control and manipulate and make rules to keep them close. 

The work isn’t done. But you gain a felt sense that you can be okay while they explore what it means to be themselves. 

This happens with a sense of freedom inside of yourself. You WANT them free because YOU are more free when you let go of the need to control them. And you realize that the feeling and experience of being free is worth any cost. 

When you can both choose each other from a place of absolute freedom…that’s when you experience the first flickers of what union actually is. 

Because it’s the most loving, honest, holy thing you could ever do, to love someone, never leave them, and bless their infinite freedom. Now your relationship to them is free of obligation. It is based in pure desire. 

And how your partner expresses their freedom can’t even matter anymore. Because you realize how foolish it is to try to control the expression of any other soul…especially when doing so would mean the suppression of the one whose full expression is your greatest joy. 

This is when your realize that if you are controlling the expression of your beloved, you aren’t actually able to love them. How can you love them when they are squishing themselves into a fake version of themselves that doesn’t upset you? All that's there to love is a false facade. A shell of the infinite, limitless spirit that they are. 

And they can’t love you either. Not really. Because they aren’t even their true selves. A person can only give love from the depth of their own connection to self. So the love you receive is only egoic love that says “do this, or don’t do that, or I’ll leave”. 

When you are in full devotion to yourself and fully free in yourself, all you will ever want is to feel ALL of your beloved. It would break your heart to try to control them, or if they limited themselves because they thought they had to be someone or something for you. 

~~~

What Dawn and I live on a day to day basis isn’t a performance of perfection. It’s not a Dom/sub dynamic built on force and control. 

And it’s not based on the fear of losing each other. 

It’s a fire that keeps burning away everything we’re not until only truth, love, and Eros remain. 

It’s messy at times. It has been terrifying to the parts of us that think we can’t POSSIBLY let go of THAT. 

And then, choosing to let go of that very thing, because to be free inside of ourselves means that we choose to live and let live. 

It’s a constant choice between abundance and limitation. And always choosing what is abundant, alive, and true…even when it’s uncomfortable. 

Especially when it’s uncomfortable. 

From that place, love is no longer transactional. It is an offering of pure vulnerability. It is no longer a performance, tinged with fear, obligation and guilt. 

It is something we have each had to become individually, while also doing so in full vulnerability and transparency with each other. Never bypassing ourselves because we’re trying to conform to the religion of “unionism”. 

Only by dying into truth alongside each other. Never needing to be right. Only needing to trust. One death at a time. For over 16 years. 

~~~

And here’s the layer that gets most people going the most, because it hits these fear based patterns the deepest. 

Monogamy is almost always just another name for fear in our world today.

It is a socially acceptable way to control, possess, and cling. 

In the internet world of divine union “experts", monogamy is an unquestionable, unchallengeable, absolutist requirement of union. 

And this dogmatic approach shows more about their lack of embodiment than it does their “correctness”. And no one questions it, because in a world of wounded people afraid of losing love, monogamy is an understandable survival strategy. 

It’s really just another way of saying “you’re not allowed to want anyone else or I’ll feel unsafe.”

Non monogamy, polyamory, and the like, are no better. By and large, these are just escape tactics, taking the easy route to shallow pleasure and getting one's egoic "needs" met rather than facing the discomfort of deep intimacy. 

Divine union requires that you’re free from resistance to truth. It requires that you’re in union with God first, then your partner. It requires that your love for your partner is an extension of divine freedom.  

If you are in an internal state of union, you are already at peace with every potential outcome. Your partner’s expression will only, ever, feel like joy. 

So no, divine union doesn’t require monogamy. And it doesn’t require non monogamy. 

It requires surrender to the truth of your soul, to the reality of it’s embodiment, and to the freedom of your partner’s path. 

Monogamy, when chosen from that place, can be sacred. 

Non monogamy can be just as sacred, when it is aligned and congruent with one’s own deeply embodied values.

But when either is used to avoid fear or to bypass insecurity…it’s just more control, packaged up as virtue, or as “my needs”.

Regardless of whether monogamy or non monogamy feel more aligned to you, you don’t get to spiritualize your preference in either direction and call it truth. But let’s get real…if you’re trying to get your needs met, you're still completely missing the entire potential of what true spiritual freedom offers you.

Here’s the harshest reality in everything I’ve written so far: 

Unless you’ve died a thousand deaths inside of a deeply intimate relationship alongside your beloved, you don’t really know any of your soul’s truth. And you don’t really know what you need. You don’t even know who you are underneath all of that conditioning.

And you don’t know if you need monogamy or if you need non monogamy. 

You definitely don’t have the moral authority to tell anyone else what their souls’ truths are or to proselytize, teach, or put on workshops about what other people should do, if you’re still reactive to other peoples’ life choices and self exploration. This is why everything I teach aims to turn people back to themselves, rather than helping them act out the performance of a relationship. 

Your entire life is nothing but a set of desires that exist as manifestations of unconscious beliefs, designed to keep you repeating the same patterns to keep the ego comfortable in familiar territory. 

Your opinions about other peoples’ lives and relationship structures are coming from the same place as your need to control your own life and relationship. 

If you had really become free in yourself, you’d see other peoples’ journeys, even that of your beloved, as sacred. And you’d let them be on their own paths without a need to share your triggered, reactive thoughts or try to shape, limit, or control them in any way. 

Instead, you’d be sitting quietly looking at why someone else’s choices upset you so much, and desiring to let go of whatever brought the reaction up in the first place, so you could feel free of that triggered reaction that came from your own unconscious beliefs. 

If you were really free, you’d trust in life, and you’d focus on loving yourself, rather than trying to shape narratives around anyone else’s relationship. 

This work takes YEARS. Decades, maybe. Lifetimes, in some cases. 

Just in order to be able to feel what is actually true for your soul. 

Until then, you’re only hearing your stories, your triggers, and your fears. 

Objective truth is REALLY hard to come by. And when you feel certain that you know what truth is, or what it isn’t, chances are, you’ve just found your own ego again. 

But as far as I can tell, objective truth is essentially limitless abundant freedom. It’s definitely not limiting. It’s certainly not rigid and moralistic. 

And if it doesn’t feel like soaring, life giving freedom, chances are, your “union” or your pursuit of it, is just another unconscious relationship with prettier words. 

~~~

So what is a person to do? 

Stop listening to people whose lives aren’t what you want yours to look like. Stop taking advice from people who don’t have the relationship you want. 

Hell, maybe stop taking advice at all. Even mine. And just practice letting go of everything you think you need. 

If you are getting all bent out of shape around other peoples’ relationship choices, when you are actually just passing around the justification of control in the name of spirituality, or because you need your next workshop to go well, so you can pay your rent.

Just let go and trust. Focus on yourself. Choose the hard road of facing your own fears and pain. Try actually loving unconditionally. Commit for real to your beloved for the rest of your life and never leave, no matter WHAT they do. 

Heck, even encourage them to explore their own freedom in the ways that trigger you most, and STILL stay. No exceptions, no take backs. 

Do that for a decade or two, and you’ll realize how little you actually know about “truth" and "union"

Because to say that you know what truth is for anyone other than yourself, is just to prove that you don’t.