So today we're gonna talk about a question that we got brought to us in the final call of our group called communion that we do every year.
And in this final call, one of the participants asked us to share more about what our relationship is like when things aren't going well when there's conflict and when there's disagreement.
And so we wanted to talk about that in a podcast, but as we started talking about it, we realized that there really isn't a lot of conflict in this relationship anymore.
No, there's not.
And neither one of us have really ever been conflict type of people.
We were more like avoid conflict, right type of people.
So it's not like we solved big conflict problems with our dumb sub dynamic, but it has made things really go very smoothly where there's not avoidance going on either.
So, you know, I'm curious from your perspective because people, people want to hear about our real life and we try to be authentic with what we share like.
That's everything that we do is just sharing who we are and how we live.
We're not trying to paint a picture on the internet of this perfect life just to like, pretend like everything's always perfect.
But at the same time, there really isn't a lot of negativity or really any negativity in this relationship on a day to day basis.
So, what's it like for you in our relationship as it is now in terms of how disagreements go and just kind of what it's like to, to be in this relationship when it comes to conflict.
So first I want to say avoiding conflict is its own problem in a relationship.
So what we have gotten really good about is communicating through conflict.
Um Because before I would um retreat inside and not speak about it because I didn't want to cause any problems, I didn't want to upset you.
What I also didn't realize is the rejection of the self that's in that and not speaking up for myself.
Um Wow.
Have I learned a lot? So for me, I am not afraid to bring anything up if there is something that I'm afraid of or something minor that bothers me.
I want to add also that I feel like in our relationship, I had more of the work to do because I had to let go of all the ways that I try to control.
And what I see now, looking back is a lot of that felt subtle.
I wouldn't have called myself a controlling person.
I wouldn't have acted like I wanted to be in control but what was happening is when I would fall for a belief system or fall for that wounded little girl inside of me and falling for that ego.
Yeah.
The fears that come with that.
Um, that's when I would have big reactions.
A K A cause conflict.
And it's not like you didn't have any of your own.
I admit.
Um, I don't tend to remember like you labeled, use the word negative before.
I don't tend to remember conflict much.
Well, you aren't, neither one of us are the type of people who keep like a catalog of, of conflicts to bring up and use later in, in later conflicts.
No, no.
So for me, like now it just feels easy because I know that without a doubt if I bring something to you and you actually, for a lack of a better way to say it caused a problem.
If I'm, if I'm in the wrong, if you're going to take responsibility for it, I trust you fully in that.
If I do it, I'm going to take responsibility for it.
And that's where this 100% 100% ownership and responsibility for our parts in the relationship.
Like we know that we're both committed to that.
And so I don't feel like we have an issue with conflict really at all anymore.
No.
And I'd agree.
And that's why this question kind of brought a whole new conversation to us is realizing we're not trying to present ourselves online as different than what our real life is.
Like.
We actually don't have conflict with each other and we also don't avoid conflict the way that I see it is whenever there's something that needs to be addressed, we address it, but we're so damn good at it in what you just said, taking responsibility for.
If it's me, I'll own it.
If it's, you, you'll own it.
And our, our relationship doesn't devolve into conflict because of that responsibility.
And so we actually don't fight and we also don't avoid fighting.
We like legitimately get along with each other in a way that is fun and loving almost all the time.
And I think some people might hear that and go oh bullshit like that doesn't actually happen, right? I want to go back to something you said before.
May I? So I can't remember exactly the words that you said, but it was something like I don't want to paint this idea of perfection in the relationship.
I want to talk about that word a little bit because um that's been a big word in my life.
We did a whole episode about perfectionism, right? And so I've had to sit with the dismantling of what am I associating with the word? Perfect.
What does that mean? What has it meant? What do I want it to mean? And how I see that in um reference to our relationship, I feel like it is perfect now.
Perfect.
Doesn't mean there's never a conflict or a disagreement.
But to me, it feels like a perfection because of the way that we've learned how to dance and through the conflicts and communicate so that we stay in this, let's call it a positive energy exchange where it's moving in the way that we want it to move with polarity.
And that's really what's underneath for me, the felt experience of this amazing relationship with you.
It's not assuming that there's never going to be something that we don't see eye to eye on.
But it's being able to recognize the moments when I'm falling for my ego and I'm operating out of triggered reaction to something that you say my ability to see that and own that feels dramatically better.
And my whole experience of life has changed because of that in itself.
And therefore my experience of you and your love for me has only felt bigger and bigger because of everything that has shifted in me even apart from you.
Yeah.
So on that perfection thing, I remember one of one of the things we discussed about this was we don't see disagreements as negatives, we see them as opportunities.
Thank you.
I was getting there and I don't know exactly what made that shift for us or when we made that shift.
But I know that there came a certain point where every single time that you got upset with me or something didn't go according to plans or you freaked out about something.
We both started to see it as a chance to deal with whatever this is so that we can maybe not have this thing causing this kind of reaction in the future.
And so we didn't immediately jump into defensiveness anymore.
We engaged with the disagreement instead of trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt by it.
Right? I like that explanation.
And you mentioned polarity, this is why polarity and dominance and submission.
If you wanna run, do this in a healthy way, in a loving way, in a way that goes beyond the the shallow, you can't understand dominance and submission without understanding it in the context of polarity, they have to go together, they have to work together because when they do, you get to have the kind of experience that we're talking about here.
One of the really all conflict, if you think about it in terms of polarity is energy is either not moving or it's moving in the wrong direction.
You, you have two people both trying to take charge and now you have conflict or you have, you have something where things aren't, someone's not being heard or someone's not speaking up.
All of this is about this energy of love and really the energy of arrows flowing between you and me.
Everybody knows the statement like too many cooks in the kitchen or uh what's the other one? Too many chiefs and not enough Indians, like you have to have a leader and a follower.
And if you have both people trying to be the same, you're going to have conflict.
So a part of understanding dominance and submission in the context of polarity and polarity in the context of dominance and submission is if there's a disagreement between you and me, we know who has the final say in what the resolution is gonna be, right? It's me.
We also know who is going to get to be absolutely and completely heard, felt and received in all of your experience of that disagreement.
That's you, right? And so that is where polarity lends itself to healthy dominance and submission.
Because now when you are living in that feminine expression, not just I'm being feminine.
So I'm soft and gentle and doing all the like I wear flowery shirts like that's, that's not what being feminine is.
Being feminine means.
Having a fierce expression.
Sometimes when you need to, I just said this on our Instagram account the other day that feminine anger is a clarifying force.
It's really important that when you're angry with me, that you actually get angry when you're angry with anything, you need to be angry because that's a powerful force of feminine expression at the same time as you are receptive and willing to be led.
And so if you can express and stay open at the same time, now there's space for me to lead you, but also to receive you to hear you and feel you.
And so you can soften into letting me take charge while also speaking up for everything that's important to you so that I can make an informed decision that I can lead with connection to your experience and not just boss you around, but also not just let your emotions run the show, right? So something you were sharing at the beginning of that um kind of um aligned with what I feel in our relationship was that a lot of this work was mine.
And why it feels that way is because I had to let go of control in a lot of ways.
So you could.
So of course, it's gonna feel like I've had a lot of work to do because I can't truly understand what your side of stepping up into taking control has really been.
So that was just kind of a like, oh yeah, for me, no wonder it feels that way because polarity, right? You're gonna lead.
I need to let go of control so I can truly follow.
And that's again why I tell couples, I tell men like the man has to go first, the dominant has to go first to some extent in this.
Because in order for you to let go of control and to let me lead, there has to be something for you to follow because you can't just let go if there's not something there to catch you.
And so to some extent now it's not like I have to be a finished product before anything starts to go and move for you.
Right.
Mhm.
But I'm not just gonna be able to sit over here and wait for you to let go of control and then I'll step up and lead because you have to, it's, it's important, it's necessary for you and you can share whatever you would like to on this.
But I know it's absolutely necessary for the feminine to know that the net is there to catch you, whether that's God or a partner or whatever it is, you need to know that you can be OK if you don't keep your hands like with that white knuckle grip on the wheel.
Yeah.
And neither, neither one is a finished product ever because this really is a growing together.
What in what we have seen is that you can only rise in dominance to the amount that I'm gonna follow and I can only follow to where you're going to rise.
And so we've experienced this like upshift if you will, it's like me, then you, then me, then you and like it's taken the commitment for 2 100% for both of us to truly be where we are today.
So whenever, whenever anything does come up for us where there's disagreement, first of all, there's no judgment of it as conflict.
We see it as an opportunity to work through something together.
And we had a good example of that that happened yesterday a few days ago where, well, I'll let you tell the story of what happened and then, you know, we'll kind of break it down a little bit and how this works.
Ok, I'll do my best to articulate this so you can fill in after little bit of back story.
Um Yeah, it was, it was the last time we did the sauna.
So sit in the sauna together and of course you both have to shower afterwards.
And our routine is you shower first because you're quicker, then it's me.
So we get upstairs and you say you're going to throw the sna towels right away in the washing machine.
And my initial reaction was, I don't remember the words that came out of my mouth in this moment.
You said, don't start the washing machine.
Ok.
Thank you.
So, yes, I said, don't start the washing machine.
And as soon as I said those words, it was a moment where I was like I experienced everything all at one time, I could feel the fear underneath was just I didn't run, want to run out of hot water because in my mind, if you were showering, the washing machine was going and then I got to the shower, I was afraid it was gonna be cold water left for me.
And so in the blur of all of that happening.
I saw that and it didn't come out of my mouth that clear to you because I remember saying something like, oh, ok, like you can do whatever because I was like, I needed to release myself from trying to control anything about what you were gonna do in that moment, even though I wasn't able to articulate, ok, I fell for the fear of not running out of, of, of running out of hot water.
And I recognized also that, that fear is probably not accurate and I trust you that you wouldn't have even put the towels in the washing machine if there was a chance that we'd run out of hot water.
Like I knew all of that in the split second after those first words came out of my mouth.
And so my way of diffusing it and like trying to take it back, you know, didn't come out very clear because there was so much all at once.
But I also know that you don't take that as me trying to control you because we both are in that commitment.
It, but it doesn't mean that those moments out of not being completely, I don't know, call it grounded in my experience after the sauna, you know, whatever life happens.
So in the past the way that a little interaction like that would go and I know it seems trite, it seems like, you know what? Washing machine, hot water to whatever, right? But it's minor.
Very minor.
No big deal.
But it's a perfect example of this because in the past here's how this probably would have gone.
You would have had the same fear driving your reaction of, you know, I'm showering second and so the water might get cold.
So I need to make sure that he doesn't start the washing machine first because now you're in your mind, you're guaranteeing yourself hot water.
Yes.
So letting that fear run the show, you would have just told me not to start the washing machine and which you did anyway, you told me don't start the washing machine, but you would have had less awareness of what you were doing as you did it.
Absolutely.
I would have gotten defensive because there would have been some combination running through my head of does she think I'm an idiot.
We have a 50 gallon hot water heater and there's no way we're running out of hot water.
This isn't 1972.
And like, why doesn't she trust me to be a smart enough human being to figure these things out and feel the need to boss me around? Like that's what would have gone on in my system before again.
Not hm, not slowly like that instant defensive reaction.
And so I would have engaged with your fear and now we would have been in a conflict where now I would have my defensiveness would have come out and I know it would have and you would have engaged with my defensiveness while I was engaged with your fear.
And now we are now, the conflict isn't really even about you having hot water anymore.
It's about why did you react that way? And why did I say this, this way? So, the, the way that we would do that in the past then is you would get frustrated with my defensiveness and pull back or especially frustrated if you started the washing machine anyway, right? Like if I knew that it wasn't going to be a problem or I was turning it on cold, so it wasn't going to use any hot water because there's always that you never even considered that I might have been just turning it on cold.
She's just realizing this now y'all my hair blonde.
But yeah, if I would have just done it anyway or, or we got engaged in this, in this argument now, we aren't even having the actual disagreement.
We're having the disagreement about the reactions to the actual thing, which was never even said.
So that's why because I've been able to drop the defensiveness and let go of that because guess what I did, I started the washing machine anyway and guess who's still at hot water? Me, that girl and guess what? I never even paid attention to if you started the washing machine or not because I literally was like, that is really stupid to care.
I trust him.
It's all good.
But that's what's different for us now.
And that's why this works so well.
Is you, even though you had almost the same reaction, initial reaction as you would have had in the past, it didn't the trigger any defensiveness in me.
I was able to see through it at the same time as you saw yourself in that reaction as it was happening and kind of tried to sh like stuff it back in your mouth.
I wish I could have.
But instead of that, you were able to at least share with me why you were telling me not to start the washing machine because what I really need to know, so we don't engage on that second level of conflict where I'm engaging with your fear and you're engaging with my defensiveness is I need to know the information of why you're having that reaction.
You want to have a hot shower.
I want you to have a hot shower.
We don't need to have.
There's no, there's nothing to have conflict about most of the time.
Most of the conflict is about our defensive mechanisms and us protecting ourselves.
So when you know, we say done the work, do the work so much on this podcast.
But when we've done the work, this is why you do the work because you can set down that reactivity.
And for me being able to set down that reactivity meant I didn't get defensive like she's a submissive, why is she bossing me around and telling me when like, that didn't come up in my head and to your credit, you saw yourself and kind of like, saw what was happening and, and pulled back from it and it wasn't about you pulling back from it.
It was about the fact that you were able to share what you actually needed.
I was able to hear that because I didn't get immediately defensive.
And then I started the washing machine on cold and which I intended to do the whole time.
And everybody had a great experience and there was no conflict.
So that is why we say like we don't have conflict in our relationship because we've been able to set down all of those defenses and those walls that we use to keep each other at arm's length.
And instead, like you, let me take the lead and I let you express everything that you need to share.
I like that at arm's length analogy because as we've come down this path and we were able to really own our side of things in those um exchanges.
What I noticed was that, you know, if I reacted poorly to something and then I was hanging on to it inside and it was keeping me from experiencing.
Mhm I'm just going to say the positive energy flow with you.
You know, you start to notice those stark differences and I want that all the time.
And so noticing if there was a time when we weren't in that, it was like, how do I get that back? And so it was this, um, just an eye opening experience for myself to really put that mirror up and always keep owning my side of it because, like I just shared before that if I'm having this, ah, reaction, that's me, you know.
So, but it's pretty easy in the, the old way that we used to do it.
And I think the way that most people do relate to each other is when you have that reaction is to go, you did that to me, you gave me that reaction, right? But along the way, I recognized we both recognize that that's not the truth.
And so it just helped me more and more to really set down the sword.
You know, this isn't, if I'm in this relationship with you, I'm committed.
I want to always experience as much joy and bliss as we can.
So, I'm relentless about letting go of the things that I think matter when they really don't.
So when we coach couples, we talk about coming around to the same side of the table when you're in disagreements.
This is what we mean.
When we say that is, you're on the same team, you're not any time that you sense yourself at odds with your partner.
You don't actually have to be there.
Right.
You can look at this as a, a problem to be jointly solved.
Not just what are we, not just the argument itself but why are we arguing? Why are we in disagreement? Why are we in disconnection right now and sitting down together and being willing to look at what part of this is mine? Where was, where do I need to take ownership? Where do I need to take ownership? And you mentioned this like the positive energy flow which I would just call being in polarity.
Because when, when we are in polarity, another phrase that gets used that we use is being in union, we are in full connection.
And so even a disagreement can be done in union in connection and be a means by which you can move energy between us positively.
Even when we're disagreeing, you can get angry with me.
And if you're expressing that anger and I'm receiving it and then I'm taking responsibility and ownership for what's mine and trying to lead us forward out of that.
That's a positive, it's not a negative, it's not a conflict just because you're angry.
There's only conflict when we are going at each other and trying to win or when we are blaming each other and pointing fingers, right? So how would you describe the times in the past when we didn't feel the polarity flowing? Like it wasn't conflict? We just didn't what we called it was, we didn't feel connected because that's also been kind of something we were flowing in and out of and now it feels dramatically different.
But all I know is how much has changed inside of me to make that possible for me to be able to experience my side of it.
What I would say to that is that we can always be in connection if there's always energy moving between us.
So this kind of goes beyond the conflict conversation just into a general polarity connection conversation.
But there are so many ways that we can shut down energy where we can stop arrows from flowing between us.
Like if I get all lost in my head and I'm not present with you, I'm not giving my energy to you.
We're going to be out of, out of connection or out of union.
Now, that doesn't mean I have to be constantly staring at you and giving you 100% of my attention.
But you know, you can feel it if you are the center of my universe or if other things are more important.
Oh, you better believe I do.
Absolutely.
So like that's one way.
If I put my walls up and I don't really let you all the way into my heart, we're going to be out of connection because the energy that you are feeling can't be felt into me if you are feeling that energy into me.
But I get all bound up with it because it triggers me and it activates all kinds of stuff from my past.
Now, I can get all kind of stuck in it and not be able to give back to you.
The same thing can happen on, on your end, like you can shut down from the way we've talked about here already that used to happen where we would get in these things where I would get defensive and you would get frustrated and pull back and shut down and pull away.
That's just the energy stopping in you.
So being out of connection really just means that we aren't moving energy between us.
Yeah.
And I will on my side of that, it didn't even in order or the times that I would stop that on my part, it didn't even mean that you got defensive.
I had plenty of times where I would just get lost in my head and I wasn't in my body.
And so that's also why that was just an important part of my journey in order to be where I'm at today because the more time I spend in that head, the monkey mind, the overthinking whatever you want to call it.
Mhm I know you felt it and I felt it and it was easy to look at, well, you're not doing something.
But then eventually I realized um hey, yeah, it's me.
I'm the problem.
Nothing goes anywhere in terms of creating this kind of connection unless both people are willing to own.
When they're wrong or when they're the one who needs to be better.
And that's a big, it, it's an essential part of why we can sit here and say we have a relationship without conflict again.
Like you said, it's not that there's never disagreement, but we don't engage anymore on in those conflicts that can happen about the reactions about the triggers.
They don't, nothing sets us off into periods of disconnection anymore.
So, and then the other really magical piece of that is when the connection isn't getting broken by these conflicts, these shutdowns, these disconnections when we are able to stay in union and in both in our inner polarity.
So we are moving energy between us freely, the longer we keep in that and keep going with it, it becomes this upward spiral where it keeps getting better and better and better and better and better.
And then we have more reason not to like for me not to react in a certain way that's gonna fuck it up because it's so damn good.
It's so special.
There's even more reason for me to be very diligent about integrity, about following through and doing the things I say I'm gonna do and all the little tiny ways that can impact your ability to feel, that felt sense of trust that keep you receptive to me that keep the energy moving.
And that's just one of the many ways that I can impact your ability to follow me is to, to be diligent about integrity.
Absolutely.
So, another question we got asked from some friends of ours, they, they wanted us to talk about how it seems like in the relationship, at least in the way that they experience it.
If the dominant is off, it seems like it has a much bigger impact on the relationship than it does if the submissive is off.
And now when I say off, I mean, like maybe sick or maybe getting triggered and reactive or shutting down or just traveling and not present, like it's, it, in their experience, it seems like it has a much bigger impact when he's not showing up, then when she's not showing up.
And when I say impact, I mean, an impact on the overall health of the relationship almost like everything's going to hell if he doesn't show up where it's more like things aren't going well today if she doesn't show up.
So I'm curious how that lands for you and what you might have to say like in your experience of that.
Well, what I'm hearing in my mind in those two things is the masculine and the feminine.
It's the structure and order versus the chaos.
We rely heavily on some structure and order and truth and as the, as I have surrendered, I rely even more heavily on you.
And so I can only know my experience internally.
Um And so in our relationship, I'm looking forward to hearing your reflections too because, you know, we had a, a little one of these for us too when we were, you had come down with something before we left Tennessee.
Now, looking back, we also realized you hit your head.
It may have been a concussion and I was kind of brain fog and yeah, some weird stuff going on.
And so, but I was not myself, I was not present, I was not really able to mentally function and you could see that.
And of course, when you share that with me, I had all the empathy for you.
And I'm like, I, I rise to help you a little bit and I want, I want you to lean on me a little bit more in those areas.
And I love serving you in that way.
And I would say it was probably a week, almost at least a week.
And then we had a few days of traveling after that.
And so by a and when you mentioned before about traveling, you know, we get to spend a lot of time in the truck together, but you are very focused on driving and pulling the camper and everything that that involves.
Again, I understand I empathize and it's exhausting in itself.
And so after over a week of you just not feeling yourself, it just starts to affect me no matter what because we just haven't had as much what I would call intimacy in the all of the ways that we get to experience it every single day simply because you just can't even feel completely present with yourself.
So yes, I feel that even though I understand from the mind my body is just craving what it's not getting.
And then I noticed myself probably a little bit more easily triggered.
But then in all of this, like looking back at the time of my cycle, I was in like all of it was kind of stacked against us.
But then it was like when we got to our final destination, it was like, oh my gosh, I was just craving you and I needed your presence.
I it's just, it's such a deep need that I don't, I don't know how to explain it other than that.
So yeah, there's a big dependency on you in that.
And I feel when you're not there, you hit the nail on the head because again, this comes back to why dominance and submission and polarity have to go hand in hand the way that we do this, the way that we teach this is and, and what we teach is really just gleaned from what we live.
We don't, we don't have any certifications in this stuff.
We don't, we, we didn't learn this from any books.
We live this and we teach people from our experience so intuitive life experience, right? And so I say that because this is what we've learned, it's what works for us.
And it's what we found works really well for other people who want to do the dominant submissive thing where the man is the dominant, the woman is the submissive is for the man to embody everything that it means to be the masculine, which means to be setting the structure, to be creating the order, to be setting the direction, to be making the decisions, to be taking responsibility.
And then the other side of the Yin and Yang is the chaos.
The feminine is the chaos.
And so in this equation, it's just as important for you to embody the feminine, to let yourself be chaotic, to be irresponsible to play, to be playful, to be emotional.
And when you can be that and stay out of my part and I can be my part and stay out of yours, which means I can't be the chaos and you, you've got to let go of that what you call subtle control.
You have to let go of being your own structure, your own order and be held within mine.
So of course, if the dominant isn't showing up isn't present, isn't doing.
If I'm not doing my job, the whole relationship is going to feel worse because there my role is to create the order and the structure to set the container to put the boundaries up and hold them and allow you to play inside of them if I'm not doing my part there.
Now we have unconstrained chaos because you've let go if you've come into your piece of this and I've come into mine and I dropped mine.
Yours is chaotic.
It's emotional.
It's, it's kind of out of control and it's my job to set, to control you.
So you don't have to be trying to control yourself and figure yourself out and make decisions for what's ok and what's not OK, you can just play and be alive.
And like last night when you wanted to keep, keep going, when we were out with some people.
And I was like, no, it's time to go home and go to bed.
Like I have to be the one to set the structure to say no when it's time to say no.
So that you can just be playful.
But on the flip side of that, if you stop showing up, if you don't show up, all the structure is still there, it's just the energy is gone.
It's the arrows that's gone.
It's the aliveness that's gone.
I said this a few episodes ago where the it, it kind of becomes flat or I've said to you before, it's like everything goes gray.
It's, it loses its color, everything's fine, but it's just not the same.
Right.
So back to the initial question, it might feel more like the relationship is falling apart, but it's just different.
So no, the relationship isn't falling apart.
But I also don't want flat.
I don't want no arrows.
And so it's, it's just, it looks different when I'm off versus you're off and it comes back to what is your comfort level with chaos? Right? Because if I as the dominant, I'm not doing my job, if I'm not living up to my responsibilities, to embody the masculine so that you can be the feminine and, but you still are doing yours.
Now, we are both going to be experiencing chaos in mass.
So, if I am uncomfortable with chaos, I'm going to experience the relationship as being more threatened because chaos feels threatening to me.
Right? Nobody feels threatened by flat.
Very true.
You just feel flat, you feel bored, you feel empty and blah, but it's n it's not threatening.
So it's never gonna feel like the relationship is threatened by someone going flat for a few days.
You know, if you get sick and you're not your normal playful self, there's some, there's some air that leaves the balloon, right? But it's, it's not threatening relationships that die because of a lack of energy.
Fizzle out slowly.
Yeah.
So it just isn't going to feel as dangerous, you know, that was interesting listening to your reflection there.
I love it because as I'm sitting here, I'm like, ah, the more chaos that, the more playful, I like that word because that's really what I feel like I've embraced is like this inner little girl who just wants to have fun.
Do sidewalk chalk and, oh, you bet.
I love Sidewalk Jack.
Um, is because like, as I have accepted more of that nature in myself, I can live with you being in that more and not even expecting the structure in order because I'm not doing it.
So you better.
Like, it was just that, that was just an important, like, realization for me and it shows how far I've come, you know what I'm talking about.
Right.
Well, a dominant in this type of relationship.
It does not work to be Mr go with the flow, like free spirited.
It, it, it doesn't work.
No, that's not what I'm getting at.
I, I know that's not what you're getting at, but in stepping into this role and into this energy of embodying the masculine for me for a while meant that I had to get much more rigid than I had ever been in my life.
I, I was not a rigid structured, ordered person.
I was Mr go with the flow.
It's quite, quite a bit in, in a lot of parts of my life at least.
So once I was able to set the structure for this relationship, you let go.
I, you trust that I've got you and that I've got this thing figured out that we're gonna have enough hot water and like everything's gonna go fine.
I don't have to sit over on the sidelines planning out everything about every moment of every day while you're off having a good time.
I get to engage in the fun with you.
That's a part of this is I get to feel and feed off of your energy and be in it with you.
Yeah.
So what I was getting at was my projection of, well, let's say it this way in certain aspects.
I'd be like here you control it, but I would expect you to control it the way I would.
So that's really not giving up control.
It's just like uh it's just projecting an expectation onto you.
And I know I've done that in so many different ways as the initial step.
And so I would also when I wanted to keep certain things under so much control for myself, not really realizing it.
I was projecting that on how you need to show up too.
And so what I'm realizing as I've become more playful, it allows you to just experience so much more of life because of me.
And I'm not projecting these silly ways of control anymore onto you.
Does that make sense to you? Yeah.
And it just lets me experience, let's be real.
Every man wants to experience his woman enjoying and loving her life.
Yeah.
And I do.
And I like I can feel that in you too, right? Because again, third time today, I've said this, you have to understand this dominant submissive thing in terms of polarity.
If you wanted, have it support all of this over the long run and this works in sex too.
We're talking about relationships and conflict here, but it's, it's the same exact thing with sex at some point.
We probably need to do an episode where we talk about how polarity and dominance and submission play out in sex.
Yes.
Don's favorite topic.
But this, this whole thing is about setting that, setting you free through control.
What? But you hear submissive, say this all the time that and I'm talking more about like the kink end of dominance and submission here where in scenes they will experience this level of freedom from being held within some sort of constraint or control by letting go for themselves, the experience of freedom, even though they are not just doing whatever they want.
In a lot of case, they're tied up to something, but they feel freedom in their energy by letting go of control of their body.
And so this comes home in relationship in the same way by letting go of control of the details of how you're going to live your day to day life.
I've watched you experience this freedom in your energy and that's what I get to receive from you because I'm going to receive whatever it is you're experiencing good or bad, like happy or sad, angry, joyful, whatever.
I'm gonna feel that because that's how men interact with women, whatever you're feeling, we feel, whether we like it or not.
Sometimes we just don't like to admit it because it hurts.
But when I'm able to be structure to you, when I'm able to put constraints around your life so that you don't have to be the one making the decisions.
It sets something free in the joyfulness, in the playfulness, in the aliveness that you bring to my life.
Yeah.
And I let go of having to have things my way.
That's what the internal work for me is.
So I hope this conversation was helpful.
I know I, I really think this will be an extremely helpful one for a lot of people in understanding conflict and understanding, relating to each other as dominant and submissive in terms of polarity.
So thank you for being willing to show up here and on your side of these things in these conversations and for any of you who are listening to this podcast, either audio or watching us on youtube.
First of all, we want to say thank you.
And second of all, please leave your comments for us in youtube.
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So please jump over to our website at Infinite devotion.
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Yes, thank you
