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(upbeat music)
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Today's podcast is going to talk about masculine dominance
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and sensitivity and kindness
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and how these things all go together.
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And I wanna start today's podcast
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by reading a post that I wrote on Instagram earlier this year.
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And so the title of this post
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was masculine sensitivity and dominance.
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Men have very sensitive hearts.
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When we open them and let down the walls,
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we feel the world around us very deeply.
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This deep sensitivity is why men have a tendency
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to numb themselves with substances and distractions,
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to shut down, to lash out in defense of projection,
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and to run and hide from emotional engagement.
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We never learned that our sensitivity is normal
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or that it is an essential part of our strength.
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Because men are so infinitely receptive
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to the emotional experience of the world,
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it feels vulnerable to open our hearts.
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This vulnerability exposes our deepest wounds
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and brings up our earliest experiences
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of being helpless, useless,
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and unable to control our reality.
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The walls that men build around their hearts
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are to protect our most sensitive reality,
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that we feel everything so deeply,
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that it can often be painful.
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Add to that all the ways we've been hurt by the feminine,
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both by women and by the chaos
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and unpredictability of the world around us.
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To protect ourselves from this painful reality
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of a wounded sensitive heart,
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we close ourselves off and push emotions away.
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Reclaiming our receptive sensitivity
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is essential for a man who wants to feel strong
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and grounded in his dominance.
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A man can be strong and dominant,
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even authoritative and powerful,
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while still being deeply sensitive
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and attuned to the experiences of those around him.
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This combination of strength and sensitivity
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in my experience is what makes for the most impressive men.
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There's no man who is more dominant
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than the man who cannot be triggered.
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The man who can stand in any storm
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and not collapse, shut down, or run away.
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The man who can connect to and feel everything
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and hold all of it on his shoulders
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while continuing to lead with strength and live with purpose.
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Opening your heart as a man won't make you weak.
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It will require your greatest strength
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and give you the greatest rewards.
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That was a great post.
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I wanted to start with that because
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this podcast was actually requested by one of our followers
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based on that post.
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And there's so much there for us to go deeper into
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that I thought it was a great idea
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to really dive into this topic.
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So I guess to start with the thing that
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I've always known about myself
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is that I am a very sensitive person.
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- Yes, I wouldn't have put that word to it
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because I wasn't really aware of it,
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but it was something that I noticed about you
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from the very, very start that felt different
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than the men I had previously encountered in my life.
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- And that gets at a really important point
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right to start is
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the meaning around the word sensitivity,
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the meaning that people assign to the word sensitivity
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really impacts how men feel about being
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labeled as sensitive or labeling themself as sensitive.
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- Yeah, because in my experience,
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it would be like you're too sensitive,
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meaning you have emotional reactions to easy.
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That's how I would take that word.
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- Yeah.
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And
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men are built, like I believe that men are built this way.
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When we talk about polarity,
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polarity meaning like the energy of love
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that moves inside of us and between people in any relationship,
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especially in including romantic ones,
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but polarity is present everywhere and everything that we do.
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And masculine beings are built to penetrate the world,
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to go out and make an impact in the world around them,
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to see truth and to shape the world according to what they see is right.
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And the balance to that,
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the balance to that penetrative polarity,
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that going outward and impacting other people's lives
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is the receptive heart because energy has to move,
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it has to go out and it has to come back.
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And so when a man is taking charge
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and he's in a dominant frame in his life,
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the heart and his sensitivity is really his feedback mechanism
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to feel the way that he's impacting the world
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by the way that he shows up.
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So it's, I see sensitivity as an imperative
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part of dominance, absolutely necessary
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because without it, you're cut off from your heart,
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you don't know how you are impacting your submissive.
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And that's kind of where I would label that
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"domineering versus dominant."
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That's how I classify kind of the difference.
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Yeah, 100%.
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Using words.
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People like to use these categorical terms like fake DOM.
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And there's no such thing as a fake DOM.
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That's just a, it's a label and a judgment
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of someone who's probably acting in this way,
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controlling forceful but completely disconnected
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from his heart.
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Right.
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So the meaning around the word sensitivity
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is a really important thing to start
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and I'm glad you brought that up
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because you wouldn't have labeled it as sensitive,
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but I always felt like music.
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You've witnessed this happen so many times now.
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I'm sure you can't count it anymore,
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but if I hear a beautiful piece of music,
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it brings tears to my eyes.
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When a really deep truth is being spoken
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by someone else or by myself,
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it brings tears to my eyes.
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Like I feel the impact of deep truth,
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but I also feel the pain,
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like I feel the pain of others.
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And that's something that's very uncomfortable
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when you don't, like for a man who has his balls cut off
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by the way that our world and feminism
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and just culture in general treats and perceives
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man and masculinity, it can feel like as a man,
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you have your balls cut off.
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You don't have the ability to impact your world for the good
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because everyone's so afraid that you're going to
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impact it for the bad.
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Which is the essence of being a man, right?
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Like the penetrative force.
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Right.
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And not just in the physical act of sex,
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this is like the bigger aspect of why we men.
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It's going out into the world and doing shit.
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Right.
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And taking charge, taking responsibility,
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leading, protecting, providing.
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And this is what we're made for.
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But there are so many forces present in the world
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that serve to cut men off from their own dominance,
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from their own inner strength to leave us feeling powerless.
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And so back to the point in that post,
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until a man sees that this is what's going on, his reactions.
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And this is how I lived plenty of my life.
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And really how I think about 98, 99% of most men
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live their lives is they shut themselves off to the world.
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They numb out.
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Yes, I have definitely experienced that from some.
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So what does a numbed out man feel like to a submissive woman,
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a guy who is just disconnected from any sense of responsibility?
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Wow.
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How would I summarize that?
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It's a lack of...
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He's not connected to his own sense.
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And so what I feel in that is,
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it feels like a lack of grounding.
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Like he's kind of more in the clouds.
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So obviously more in the chaos of his own feminine.
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I notice a lack of taking charge, a lack of assertiveness.
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What does that feel like when a man is not willing to take charge
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or be assertive?
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It's a repulsion for me.
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It sometimes even have a hard to have a conversation,
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depending on all of the other things,
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like aspects that I can notice.
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Like it can show up as a lack of confidence.
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Well, it's gonna be some lack of confidence no matter what,
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because he has nothing to stand on.
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He doesn't have that foundation.
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And like it's a lack of strength.
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And it's not about the lack of strength
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and the physicality of your muscles.
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It might be that, but it doesn't mean that.
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And to be honest, sometimes I've noticed in men
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that their physical front is,
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I'm muscular, I'm strong, it's a physical protection.
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And that probably,
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I mean, there's a lot of benefits
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to the resistance training and all of that.
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So it's not speaking ill of that by any means,
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but when I can sense that lack of groundedness,
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the lack of assertiveness, the sometimes inability
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to even have a conversation with me,
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because it's like a shutdown.
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It's almost like sometimes in some aspects
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I don't even exist, which is interesting
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to experience from a man.
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And so there's all these little tail signs,
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I think it's of that right,
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of some of the fronts that get put up.
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And I see it as a protection, I feel that.
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- Right, well, that's just one of the ways
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that a man can build walls is,
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I'm gonna get in really good shape
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so that women will see me as attractive
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and then they will want me.
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And it's a great way to do it.
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To cover for insecurity.
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- Can be.
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- Yes, in this case, it's a cover for insecurity
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because it's, I don't want to make myself vulnerable
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to open myself up to allow myself to be,
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like actually emotionally penetrated
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to let her emotions in where that could hurt me.
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- Yeah.
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- But if I can just have her want me physically,
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then I can still connect with a woman
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without having to open up.
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- Right, and I've, like, not in a romantic way,
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but I've experienced that in plenty of men.
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- And you can see it all the time in,
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well, this is the, like the macho gym culture.
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- Exactly.
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- Guys who will start around and show off their muscles,
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and they'll get some response from a certain type of woman.
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But it all plays out in the physical realm.
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There's, like, there's no vulnerability to it.
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So it just lends more to the casual sex culture
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between people who aren't able to connect
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on an emotional level.
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So we'll probably touch on insecurity
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a little bit more later, but there's a lot of ways
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that men numb themselves to just protect themselves
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from even getting to the point of going to the gym
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and getting in shape and using that as a front.
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And I'm talking about substances, like literally
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numbing themselves out to the painful reality,
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the painful emotional reality of life.
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There are distractions.
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I mean, we live in a world with a million distractions.
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- I think another, well, this might fall under distraction
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is the whole, like, video game culture.
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And I understand part of that draw,
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like the fighting aspect and the conquering and all of that.
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So there is that quick fix, maybe, I guess, getting hit.
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But it's a numbing out.
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It's the phones too.
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It's the games on the phones or the social media
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or whatever else people do on phones.
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I don't even know.
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- Yeah, just the endless scrolling.
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Like, all of these. - The videos.
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- Yeah. - All of these are ways to disconnect
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from reality to, well, it's an easy dopamine hit, right?
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Like, it's that easy rush of energy
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from, like, something fun
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that maybe makes you laugh for,
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teaches you a little bit of something or give,
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like, in a video game gives you a little bit of that rush
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of conquering something or winning.
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But it's all a numbing to reality.
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- It is.
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And so, like, the other thing is, like, the TV, right?
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Netflix, the watching.
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00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:13,880
And recently, a guy said to me something about, like,
267
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,280
I like to watch, I don't know whatever he said, XYZ,
268
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:23,920
because it's a way to disconnect from my mind.
269
00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:28,920
And I was like, whoa, like, I felt that,
270
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:32,760
I felt that in my body in response to
271
00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:39,680
fault, like, someone falling for that, like,
272
00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:41,400
I need to numb myself out.
273
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:45,840
And I'm aware of it and I'm still choosing to do it.
274
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:48,280
That tells me something.
275
00:17:49,520 --> 00:17:53,840
And unfortunately, it's such an accepted thing.
276
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:54,680
- Right.
277
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:59,680
- It's, like, it shows how far men
278
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:04,160
have really fallen from their inner conqueror,
279
00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:05,400
from their inner king
280
00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:11,120
to have it be a totally acceptable,
281
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,920
normal thing to say in a casual conversation
282
00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,880
that,
283
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:21,160
you like to turn off your mind.
284
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:26,400
- Yeah, it kind of broke my heart, actually.
285
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:37,440
- But men do this because,
286
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:43,480
they can't handle all of what's going on around them
287
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,720
because they are such sensitive beings.
288
00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:48,480
- Right.
289
00:18:48,480 --> 00:18:53,960
- And there is a deeply felt sense
290
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:59,040
that men have that I think most men don't even realize
291
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,280
that is real for them,
292
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:07,800
that it's dangerous to open up emotionally.
293
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,360
- Absolutely, I mean, that goes back to childhood.
294
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:22,960
I can't tell you how many times I've heard,
295
00:19:22,960 --> 00:19:26,200
even from men and women,
296
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:30,720
how their emotions weren't accepted as a child,
297
00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:37,720
as if the child is not supposed to feel anything.
298
00:19:37,720 --> 00:19:42,400
And so if that's the sort of message that
299
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,520
you get over and over and over,
300
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:50,400
what are you going to do with that?
301
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:54,080
- You don't have, as a young boy,
302
00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:56,440
you don't have the emotional awareness
303
00:19:56,440 --> 00:20:01,440
to recognize the way that you're being hurt at such a deep level.
304
00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:09,320
Like when something happens in it,
305
00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:10,960
like makes a boy cry,
306
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:15,200
and he's told, don't cry.
307
00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:19,800
Or knock it off or you're too sensitive.
308
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:24,920
Like not only is he being scolded for
309
00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:28,760
his natural energetic reaction,
310
00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:34,200
he's building a wall because it hurt him to experience that,
311
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,720
and then he was told it was bad that he did.
312
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,400
And walls go up.
313
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:43,360
- I remember that experience on the lake this summer.
314
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:49,360
You heard another family on a boat nearby,
315
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:53,360
and the little boy starts crying,
316
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:58,360
and the mom didn't handle it well.
317
00:20:58,360 --> 00:21:03,360
- Both, like the mom and the dad just berated the poor kid,
318
00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,360
and he started bawling.
319
00:21:05,360 --> 00:21:10,360
And then they picked him up by the arm and drug him off
320
00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:13,360
off of the water into the boat by one arm,
321
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,360
and he's crying even harder.
322
00:21:15,360 --> 00:21:20,360
And like you can just see a future man there
323
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:24,360
who is going to be completely shut off
324
00:21:24,360 --> 00:21:29,360
and disconnected from his ability to connect on an emotional level.
325
00:21:29,360 --> 00:21:36,360
- And I saw how that experience hurt you.
326
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:46,360
- Deeply, and if I keep talking about it, I'm going to cry.
327
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:55,360
- And the really sad thing about that experience was
328
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,360
there are good portion of parents who would think
329
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:00,360
that that's really good parenting.
330
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:03,360
Like they're really trying to whip that kid in shape
331
00:22:03,360 --> 00:22:07,360
and help him be strong, you know, hard and challenging world.
332
00:22:07,360 --> 00:22:08,360
- Right.
333
00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:15,360
- The statement that comes to my mind is "Sticks and Stones,
334
00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:18,360
My Break, My Bones, But Words Can Never Hurt Me."
335
00:22:18,360 --> 00:22:23,360
And like my immediate sense when I say that is like,
336
00:22:23,360 --> 00:22:26,360
"But my walls up, protect myself.
337
00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:32,360
Nobody can hurt me so I can't feel."
338
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:36,360
- So I want to talk about why.
339
00:22:36,360 --> 00:22:43,360
- Why it's important to, for men, to let those walls come down
340
00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:47,360
and how it actually helps connect you back to your balls
341
00:22:47,360 --> 00:22:52,360
and to your strength rather than just making you weak.
342
00:22:52,360 --> 00:22:56,360
Because we talk to men, I've heard this more times
343
00:22:56,360 --> 00:22:59,360
than I can count in doing this work with men,
344
00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:04,360
especially men who are newer to what it is that we teach
345
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:09,360
and how it is that we mentor people and teach in our courses.
346
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:12,360
Things like I despise weakness.
347
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:20,360
And I can understand why.
348
00:23:20,360 --> 00:23:28,360
But the fact is, there is no stronger man than a man who can connect
349
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:33,360
to the emotional experience of the world and still hold on to his balls.
350
00:23:33,360 --> 00:23:41,360
[silence]
351
00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:49,360
Being open in your heart as a man, first of all, means doing the work.
352
00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,360
And I'll talk about that phrase for men in a minute.
353
00:23:52,360 --> 00:23:57,360
But doing the work to heal those wounds and the ways that you were heard in the past
354
00:23:57,360 --> 00:24:02,360
by women, the ways that chaotic situations scared the shit out of you
355
00:24:02,360 --> 00:24:07,360
and made you feel not okay in your childhood, in your early years,
356
00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:14,360
the ways that your first girlfriends hurt you, cheated on you, left you,
357
00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:19,360
whatever it was, those really heavy-duty emotional experiences,
358
00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:26,360
especially related to romantic partners, early romantic partners, and mom.
359
00:24:26,360 --> 00:24:31,360
Or caregiver, if that was a woman in place of mom.
360
00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:38,360
Yeah, I guess I can be daycare providers, it can be teachers, it can be a lot of different.
361
00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:42,360
But especially the ways that you were heard by women.
362
00:24:42,360 --> 00:24:49,360
Doing the work to heal those wounds, to let go of the ways that you absorbed pain
363
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:54,360
and held on to it in those experiences.
364
00:24:54,360 --> 00:24:58,360
Number one, it's going to suck.
365
00:24:58,360 --> 00:25:03,360
It's maybe the hardest thing that a guy will ever do,
366
00:25:03,360 --> 00:25:13,360
because it is, it feels dangerous at the level of your soul to let go of those things.
367
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:21,360
Because the way that you responded to them, the way that you decided to protect yourself
368
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:26,360
is what kept you from feeling that pain again.
369
00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:33,360
Yeah, it was creating that safety in the world.
370
00:25:33,360 --> 00:25:40,360
But doing that, being able to let go of those things, does not make you weak.
371
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:43,360
It makes you stronger.
372
00:25:43,360 --> 00:25:49,360
Because now you're not going to have to walk around avoiding pain
373
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:53,360
with every moment of your life.
374
00:25:53,360 --> 00:26:00,360
You're not going to have to walk around trying to stay numbed out,
375
00:26:00,360 --> 00:26:05,360
and to push people away, and to put up false fronts of insecurity,
376
00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:08,360
because you don't have to have the insecurity.
377
00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:12,360
You don't need the false fronts.
378
00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:17,360
You don't need to carry that pain.
379
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:24,360
And this doesn't just mean that you're opened up to now all sorts of really painful things
380
00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:28,360
to start pouring into you, and really bad things starting to happen.
381
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:32,360
Like letting women treat you poorly.
382
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:38,360
That's not what this is about.
383
00:26:38,360 --> 00:26:52,360
Letting go of those past pains allows you to actually connect to women for real.
384
00:26:52,360 --> 00:27:01,360
How would you describe the difference that you felt maybe early in our years together
385
00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:11,360
versus after you went through some of the healing these things for yourself?
386
00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:21,360
Well, the thing is early in our years together, when I was relatively unconscious to this stuff,
387
00:27:21,360 --> 00:27:25,360
I didn't know what I was going through.
388
00:27:25,360 --> 00:27:29,360
I didn't understand that I was just avoiding pain, that I was just pushing you away,
389
00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:33,360
that I was numbing myself out by overeating and getting fat,
390
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:38,360
that I was just riddled with insecurity.
391
00:27:38,360 --> 00:27:40,360
I didn't know it.
392
00:27:40,360 --> 00:27:42,360
I thought you were the problem.
393
00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:46,360
Right, exactly.
394
00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:47,360
And so the difference is...
395
00:27:47,360 --> 00:27:50,360
Even though I was part of the problem.
396
00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:57,360
You had your own things, but it wasn't you needing to change
397
00:27:57,360 --> 00:28:04,360
that was what was actually wrong for me.
398
00:28:04,360 --> 00:28:10,360
But what it's like for me now after having gone through this work is...
399
00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:11,360
Well, I'll give an example.
400
00:28:11,360 --> 00:28:18,360
Like when you would get upset about something in the past,
401
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:22,360
I would have all sorts of triggered reactions to it depending on what it was.
402
00:28:22,360 --> 00:28:30,360
I would get really afraid that I'd upset you and that you were unhappy with me
403
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:35,360
and I didn't feel okay when you were unhappy.
404
00:28:35,360 --> 00:28:42,360
Or I would get really upset sometimes because you were upset about something
405
00:28:42,360 --> 00:28:47,360
and it felt like you were blaming me.
406
00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:54,360
And so there are more, but I'll stick with those couple of things,
407
00:28:54,360 --> 00:29:02,360
where those are the ways that I made my own problems about you.
408
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,360
And then I made your problems about me.
409
00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:11,360
When you weren't happy, it had to be because I did something wrong,
410
00:29:11,360 --> 00:29:16,360
which are all patterns that map all the way back to my childhood.
411
00:29:16,360 --> 00:29:23,360
And then those kind of things show up in actual weakness,
412
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:30,360
which is like fear of speaking up for my needs, of saying what I want.
413
00:29:30,360 --> 00:29:37,360
Or asking you to do something for me because at that point I'm just terrified of upsetting you.
414
00:29:37,360 --> 00:29:39,360
And so I don't want to ask you for anything.
415
00:29:39,360 --> 00:29:48,360
I don't want to have any sort of authority and tell you what to do.
416
00:29:48,360 --> 00:30:00,360
But I also need to, like, I'm trying to control how you feel so that your feelings don't hurt me because of my sensitivity.
417
00:30:00,360 --> 00:30:09,360
I think it's because you're always mad at me, but it's really my own sensitivity that is
418
00:30:09,360 --> 00:30:14,360
and the walls that I've built to protect it that are the problem there.
419
00:30:14,360 --> 00:30:20,360
Yeah, and it kind of can turn into the like, I'll just give you what you want.
420
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:21,360
I mean, give you what you want.
421
00:30:21,360 --> 00:30:27,360
Let me give you what you want, which causes its own problems from the feminine side.
422
00:30:27,360 --> 00:30:33,360
Yeah, let's come back to that because that's a really, like, that's a really important pattern.
423
00:30:33,360 --> 00:30:42,360
But, you know, what it's like for me now, when I see you upset, I can say she's upset.
424
00:30:42,360 --> 00:30:54,360
And I can just let you be upset without immediately jumping to making it about me, like assuming that you're upset with me, or that you shouldn't feel that way.
425
00:30:54,360 --> 00:31:00,360
And I can just accept you being how you are.
426
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:14,360
And so what's the difference for you there in being upset and having me make it about myself versus having it be okay for you to be upset about something?
427
00:31:14,360 --> 00:31:28,360
Oh my gosh, night and day difference, because it turns into this like when we were living unconsciously, which I don't even remember all about that.
428
00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:40,360
But I'll call it unaware emotionally that you might do something and I have and I get upset.
429
00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:46,360
Because of my own story about what you did, you're making your story about me.
430
00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:57,360
And so now it's like this, maybe this chase, you know, this where the attachment styles come into play, which we don't need to get into, but just like the avoidance or like I would shut down.
431
00:31:57,360 --> 00:32:01,360
And so then you would come to me and be like, "Talk to me, talk to me."
432
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:07,360
And I was like, "No, I can't, like I can't speak up because now I'm gonna hurt your feelings even more."
433
00:32:07,360 --> 00:32:13,360
And it was just cycles like that, right?
434
00:32:13,360 --> 00:32:23,360
But the beautiful thing is somehow we always worked through it because you didn't let me just shut down.
435
00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:40,360
Now knowing that whatever I'm feeling that I can bring it to you, even if it's in response to something, even if it's you say we're doing this and I'm like, "fearful?"
436
00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:53,360
Something which like not physically fearful, but like obviously attached to the ego, like I can bring you all of that.
437
00:32:53,360 --> 00:33:01,360
And when you can receive me in all of that, it has been incredibly healing.
438
00:33:01,360 --> 00:33:21,360
And the amount of acceptance that I have learned to feel for my own emotional experience because you accepted me, it's like you gave me the permission to be a woman, to be a girl again.
439
00:33:21,360 --> 00:33:28,360
And like I didn't even know I was disconnected from that.
440
00:33:28,360 --> 00:33:39,360
So it's incredible to be received in all of the emotional chaos.
441
00:33:39,360 --> 00:33:57,360
So I guess to wrap up the answer to that question, what it felt like to me before was this constantly being on edge and uncomfortable with whatever you might be feeling.
442
00:33:57,360 --> 00:34:20,360
Now knowing that whatever it is that you bring to me, that I can handle it, that I can learn from it, and that it can actually help me be a better man and help me take the lead and to give you a better life because I can understand what you're going through.
443
00:34:20,360 --> 00:34:29,360
Now because I don't have my walls up, I'm not trying to keep it out, I'm not trying to get it away from me.
444
00:34:29,360 --> 00:34:36,360
I can be wide open to it and it can't hurt me because I'm not afraid of it.
445
00:34:36,360 --> 00:34:39,360
Like there's nothing in me to hurt anymore.
446
00:34:39,360 --> 00:34:48,360
And so now this is where I call this, like your emotions as information.
447
00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:52,360
Like they're just something for me to hear, to learn from.
448
00:34:52,360 --> 00:35:06,360
And like instead of trying to get you to stop being sad, for example, I can try to connect to your own, to your feeling of being sad and why you're sad and just let you be sad.
449
00:35:06,360 --> 00:35:16,360
And then maybe I can do something with our lives that gives me an opportunity for you not to be put in the situation to be sad next time.
450
00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:25,360
And if I can just share this from the feminine side of that, is when I come to you because I'm feeling something.
451
00:35:25,360 --> 00:35:29,360
I may know what it is, I may not know, I may just be crying.
452
00:35:29,360 --> 00:35:44,360
But when I can be received in that without trying to be fixed, without you trying to logic your way with my emotions, a lot of times it just dissolves.
453
00:35:44,360 --> 00:35:51,360
And all of a sudden it's like, "Oh wow, life is great!"
454
00:35:51,360 --> 00:36:05,360
And it doesn't always have to be figured out. And I don't feel like, like feeling like there's something wrong with you because you're in emotional chaos as a woman.
455
00:36:05,360 --> 00:36:17,360
When you don't understand, like this is part of our experience, like all that just being received in it is incredibly helpful.
456
00:36:17,360 --> 00:36:34,360
And from my side of feeling you, experiencing you deepened into your own capacity to hold that for me, like literally just brought out an unraveling of things that I had held onto.
457
00:36:34,360 --> 00:36:50,360
And the whole life that I didn't even know was there. So your strength in that is what has made a deep impact in who I am today.
458
00:36:50,360 --> 00:37:03,360
And that is a profound sense of inner strength that I get to carry with me now because nothing that you or anyone else does has the power to take me apart.
459
00:37:03,360 --> 00:37:17,360
On the inside. Like I say words to men like become untriggerable or another way I've said this before that makes people laugh is on take a partable.
460
00:37:17,360 --> 00:37:29,360
Like when you're strong enough to not be impacted by other people's emotions and you can offer that, like what you just said that I've been able to offer you,
461
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:41,360
that is a profoundly powerful experience on the inside of my life that I get to feel every single moment.
462
00:37:41,360 --> 00:37:56,360
And I have watched clients get to be received by you, women get to be received by you and your strength when they've never experienced that before by another man.
463
00:37:56,360 --> 00:38:19,360
And one of the most beautiful things to experience when we work with couples and we've watched this play out lots of times now where a man starts to step forward and he starts to step up in his life and he does some of this emotional work and heals some of this inner shit.
464
00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:36,360
And all of a sudden my wife is getting softer. She's opening up to me more. And you can just watch him go, "Huh." And you watch her go, "Huh."
465
00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:52,360
Like everything just kind of starts to calm itself down because he stepped forward and held the ground for her to be on.
466
00:38:52,360 --> 00:38:59,360
And this can shift in a long term relationship no matter how long you've been together.
467
00:38:59,360 --> 00:39:08,360
Absolutely. It will, you know, as we said in episode four, it takes patience.
468
00:39:08,360 --> 00:39:10,360
Absolutely.
469
00:39:10,360 --> 00:39:19,360
Because if you've learned to relate to each other in one way, like we had lots of practice at doing it the old way.
470
00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:33,360
And then as I started to grow and as you started to soften, we both went through experiences of still thinking that the other person was the way they used to be.
471
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:34,360
Yep.
472
00:39:34,360 --> 00:39:39,360
Because we have so much evidence built up that that's how it, that's how it always was.
473
00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:47,360
So it takes some relearning and unlearning and but absolutely it's possible.
474
00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:51,360
So I want to touch on something else you said a little bit ago.
475
00:39:51,360 --> 00:40:00,360
The pattern that men get into of just trying to figure out what his woman wants so he can give it to her.
476
00:40:00,360 --> 00:40:06,360
On its face it's a very kind looking thing to do.
477
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:10,360
And it is a kind thing in most cases on some level.
478
00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:19,360
Like as men we want to give, we want to provide, we want to, like I love you being happy.
479
00:40:19,360 --> 00:40:21,360
I love seeing you full of joy.
480
00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:25,360
I love seeing you overwhelmed with pleasure.
481
00:40:25,360 --> 00:40:35,360
Like there's very little that fills me up as much as seeing you full.
482
00:40:37,360 --> 00:40:42,360
So a lot of guys try to take the shortcut to that which is well just tell me what you want.
483
00:40:42,360 --> 00:40:46,360
And I'll give it to you and then we'll both be happy.
484
00:40:46,360 --> 00:40:48,360
Why doesn't that work?
485
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:54,360
Well one day I want this and the next day I want that and they're contradicting.
486
00:40:54,360 --> 00:40:58,360
Or I don't fucking know what I want.
487
00:40:58,360 --> 00:41:03,360
It's really or I want all of it at the same time.
488
00:41:03,360 --> 00:41:09,360
Okay well that's not logical so you need to get logical and tell me what you want.
489
00:41:09,360 --> 00:41:11,360
That's practical that I can give to you.
490
00:41:11,360 --> 00:41:17,360
You see how it becomes all of a sudden now you have to limit your own desire.
491
00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:28,360
You have to limit your own desire to receive down to something that's available, practical, logical and easily giveable.
492
00:41:28,360 --> 00:41:32,360
Otherwise you're just, you're just impractical.
493
00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:36,360
Yeah I want 10 things on my Christmas list when you get one.
494
00:41:36,360 --> 00:41:39,360
I can't choose just one.
495
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:43,360
Also it puts you in charge.
496
00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:48,360
Yeah in an upside down way.
497
00:41:48,360 --> 00:41:55,360
Because if I'm telling you that I'll give you what you want you just have to tell me what you want.
498
00:41:55,360 --> 00:42:06,360
Well now your decision about what it is that you want puts me as the as the responder.
499
00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:09,360
I'm not leading.
500
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:19,360
I'm not feeling you and then giving you an experience of life to surrender into which is what a feminine being is always going to be looking for.
501
00:42:19,360 --> 00:42:28,360
A strong experience of a man who has his life together who knows who he is, what he wants and where he's going.
502
00:42:28,360 --> 00:42:32,360
And then where he can say I want you to be a part of this with me.
503
00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:34,360
And this is the role that you play in it.
504
00:42:34,360 --> 00:42:40,360
This is how you get to be valuable to me.
505
00:42:40,360 --> 00:42:46,360
I notice a visceral positive response in my body.
506
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:51,360
Anytime I get a little bit of that from you in the like this is what we're doing.
507
00:42:51,360 --> 00:42:55,360
This is where we're going.
508
00:42:55,360 --> 00:43:02,360
You know anything about that driven purpose decision made.
509
00:43:02,360 --> 00:43:07,360
Like it's just like oh yes.
510
00:43:07,360 --> 00:43:16,360
Because it's exhausting for a feminine being to have to make up make the decisions.
511
00:43:16,360 --> 00:43:17,360
Yep.
512
00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:23,360
In my experience absolutely because I will constantly overthink it even after a decision is made.
513
00:43:23,360 --> 00:43:30,360
I will constantly be second guessing it and trying to justify it to myself that it was the best decision.
514
00:43:30,360 --> 00:43:33,360
And questioning if you could have made a better decision.
515
00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:37,360
All of that.
516
00:43:37,360 --> 00:43:41,360
And comparing outcomes later on down the road to see if you actually made the best decision.
517
00:43:41,360 --> 00:43:48,360
Yeah. And this is over the smallest little things like making a decision for what I was going to eat at a restaurant.
518
00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:50,360
Like oh man, I don't know.
519
00:43:50,360 --> 00:43:54,360
I chose the chicken sandwich but gosh I kind of wanted a burger.
520
00:43:54,360 --> 00:43:58,360
But I didn't let myself have a burger and it would just be this like.
521
00:43:58,360 --> 00:44:06,360
That's the equivalent of like after you're done eating, getting the menu again and trying to decide what looks like it would have been better.
522
00:44:06,360 --> 00:44:08,360
I don't know if I ever did that.
523
00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:17,360
Well no you never actually did that but like that's this is what happens when a feminine being is put in a decision making role.
524
00:44:17,360 --> 00:44:20,360
Not that you can't make a decision.
525
00:44:20,360 --> 00:44:23,360
Obviously you can if you need to.
526
00:44:23,360 --> 00:44:24,360
Yeah.
527
00:44:24,360 --> 00:44:28,360
And if you really want to.
528
00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:32,360
But it's the overthinking that comes with it.
529
00:44:32,360 --> 00:44:42,360
But instead when we look at a menu at a restaurant and I give it to you and I say is there anything on here that looks really good to you or that doesn't look good to you.
530
00:44:42,360 --> 00:44:47,360
And you can just look through it and say yeah that doesn't look very good.
531
00:44:47,360 --> 00:44:50,360
That really sounds tasty today.
532
00:44:50,360 --> 00:44:55,360
And then you give the menu back to me and I decide what you're going to eat. I order it for you. It comes out.
533
00:44:55,360 --> 00:44:58,360
And if you don't like it, it's my problem.
534
00:44:58,360 --> 00:45:01,360
If you do like it, I made a good choice.
535
00:45:01,360 --> 00:45:03,360
But you didn't have to decide.
536
00:45:03,360 --> 00:45:07,360
And that feels really good to me.
537
00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:17,360
But if I was afraid of setting you by making the wrong decision, I'm not going to be able to just take that menu and say she's going to have the shrimp pasta.
538
00:45:17,360 --> 00:45:20,360
I'm going to have the pizza.
539
00:45:20,360 --> 00:45:26,360
And the server looks at you sometimes like you don't get to make up your own mind.
540
00:45:26,360 --> 00:45:43,360
But if I'm afraid of upsetting you or if I'm afraid of making you mad at me because I have those walls up because I'm trying to protect my sensitivity because I can't be okay if you're upset, I'm not going to be able to give you that experience.
541
00:45:43,360 --> 00:45:48,360
Probably would order me three entrees just to make sure I like something.
542
00:45:48,360 --> 00:45:57,360
I think we saw someone at a restaurant recently who had maybe done that because they just had a table full of about eight different plates full of food.
543
00:45:57,360 --> 00:45:59,360
Maybe that's what was going on.
544
00:45:59,360 --> 00:46:00,360
You looked up.
545
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:03,360
Gotta get it right that way.
546
00:46:03,360 --> 00:46:31,360
So, you know, when a guy approaches a woman, even from a state of well-meaning kindness, trying to figure out what she wants and then just so he can give it to her, generally it's a discomfort with taking charge and taking the lead because of a fear again, walls around his heart.
547
00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:41,360
Yeah, and it's another line of like, well, I don't want to look like an asshole or I don't want to, I don't want her to think that I'm an asshole or I don't want to.
548
00:46:41,360 --> 00:46:52,360
The most common line right there that we get from men whose women come to them saying, I want you to be more dominant or I want to be in a dom sub relationship.
549
00:46:52,360 --> 00:46:58,360
Most common line from a guy is I'm not a jerk, I'm not an asshole, I'm not that kind of guy.
550
00:46:58,360 --> 00:47:22,360
Yep, and all that is is a misperception for one of what being a dominant truly means, but also then your own lack of comfortability in certain areas of what that might mean for you and that's going to be a personal journey.
551
00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:29,360
Well, in a lot of cases it's, you know, I talked before about how culture looks at and treats men.
552
00:47:29,360 --> 00:47:30,360
Right.
553
00:47:30,360 --> 00:47:51,360
So if a man has never had any lived experience where he is welcomed to make a decision and have someone follow him because they trust him, it's going to feel completely foreign, like telling someone else what to do just feels wrong because he's had his balls cut off his whole life.
554
00:47:51,360 --> 00:47:56,360
And even if somebody comes to him and says, here, have your balls.
555
00:47:56,360 --> 00:48:04,360
And you're like, I don't want those, those, those make me mean.
556
00:48:04,360 --> 00:48:10,360
But he's perceiving assertiveness as being an asshole.
557
00:48:10,360 --> 00:48:11,360
Right.
558
00:48:11,360 --> 00:48:19,360
Because I can take like in this relationship as a 24/7 dominant submissive relationship.
559
00:48:19,360 --> 00:48:25,360
I can make decisions about our entire lives in future.
560
00:48:25,360 --> 00:48:31,360
And I know that I have your 100% trust to follow me wherever it is I decide to lead us.
561
00:48:31,360 --> 00:48:35,360
And I'm not talking about picking something up of a menu here.
562
00:48:35,360 --> 00:48:41,360
I'm talking about like changing our entire life's direction and path.
563
00:48:41,360 --> 00:48:42,360
Right.
564
00:48:42,360 --> 00:48:48,360
And I have 100% certainty that you would be right beside me.
565
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:50,360
No question.
566
00:48:50,360 --> 00:48:53,360
I have no question in my system that you'd be right there.
567
00:48:53,360 --> 00:48:57,360
There's those tears, like truth.
568
00:48:57,360 --> 00:49:00,360
No question that you'd be right there.
569
00:49:00,360 --> 00:49:08,360
But the only way that I know that you would be right there, that I could, like, I could tell you we are moving degrees.
570
00:49:08,360 --> 00:49:13,360
And I'm going to become a belly dancer.
571
00:49:13,360 --> 00:49:19,360
And we're going to live in an underground bunker.
572
00:49:19,360 --> 00:49:20,360
Wow.
573
00:49:20,360 --> 00:49:23,360
And I know you would be right there with me.
574
00:49:23,360 --> 00:49:25,360
You'd be right there beside me.
575
00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:26,360
Yep.
576
00:49:26,360 --> 00:49:31,360
Because, and I could be that authoritative.
577
00:49:31,360 --> 00:49:34,360
I'm not asking you, I'm telling you.
578
00:49:34,360 --> 00:49:41,360
Because I know that you know that I've got you.
579
00:49:41,360 --> 00:49:42,360
Yeah.
580
00:49:42,360 --> 00:49:50,360
The way I was going to describe what I experience in our dominant, submissive relationship is those words.
581
00:49:50,360 --> 00:49:54,360
It's you being the leader.
582
00:49:54,360 --> 00:50:04,360
Me experiencing you in your strength and your grounded confidence, assertiveness.
583
00:50:04,360 --> 00:50:08,360
And all that you've been through to be the man that you are.
584
00:50:08,360 --> 00:50:12,360
And you say, "Come with me.
585
00:50:12,360 --> 00:50:13,360
I've got you.
586
00:50:13,360 --> 00:50:17,360
I'm going to look out for everything of your needs."
587
00:50:17,360 --> 00:50:20,360
Like, it's that simple.
588
00:50:20,360 --> 00:50:26,360
And I'm like, "Yes, please. Thank you. I will follow you wherever you go."
589
00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:36,360
You also know that before I make a decision like that, I've considered not just what I want and bitch come with me.
590
00:50:36,360 --> 00:50:37,360
Yeah.
591
00:50:37,360 --> 00:50:42,360
I've looked, I've made a thorough analysis of that decision.
592
00:50:42,360 --> 00:50:46,360
And I've, like, that decision wasn't made lightly.
593
00:50:46,360 --> 00:50:58,360
And if I had an emotional response to it, you would receive all of it and take it as information.
594
00:50:58,360 --> 00:51:04,360
And if there was a need to adjust core slightly, you would.
595
00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:11,360
But not based upon fear or anything of the sort.
596
00:51:11,360 --> 00:51:15,360
Yeah, your emotions aren't going to determine what we do.
597
00:51:15,360 --> 00:51:20,360
But they might teach me something I didn't know.
598
00:51:20,360 --> 00:51:23,360
Right. There is a wisdom that comes through me.
599
00:51:23,360 --> 00:51:27,360
Absolutely there is. And my life is always better when I listen to it.
600
00:51:27,360 --> 00:51:28,360
Right.
601
00:51:28,360 --> 00:51:29,360
And that doesn't make me less dominant.
602
00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:38,360
There's another thing. Guys that are moving into dominance a lot of times when their woman comes to them with some thought or some input or some idea.
603
00:51:38,360 --> 00:51:46,360
Like she's trying to tell me what to do. Like, no, it just feels like that to your walls.
604
00:51:46,360 --> 00:51:47,360
Right.
605
00:51:47,360 --> 00:51:53,360
Because she's probably just giving you something that feels important to her.
606
00:51:53,360 --> 00:51:56,360
And you can take it, consider it.
607
00:51:56,360 --> 00:51:59,360
And if she really is following you, say no, if it's a no.
608
00:51:59,360 --> 00:52:02,360
But don't be afraid to say yes if it's a good idea.
609
00:52:02,360 --> 00:52:06,360
Right.
610
00:52:06,360 --> 00:52:12,360
But insecurity, like all of that is driven off of insecurity.
611
00:52:12,360 --> 00:52:17,360
And insecurity is just a lack of like, it's not secure.
612
00:52:17,360 --> 00:52:21,360
Not being secure in who you are.
613
00:52:21,360 --> 00:52:24,360
Not having any sense of solid identity.
614
00:52:24,360 --> 00:52:27,360
Not standing for anything. You made that point earlier.
615
00:52:27,360 --> 00:52:31,360
Like a man has to stand for something.
616
00:52:31,360 --> 00:52:35,360
He has to be about something.
617
00:52:35,360 --> 00:52:42,360
And without some sort of a code, some sort of a plan for his life.
618
00:52:42,360 --> 00:52:48,360
He doesn't know where he's going and what he's doing with his time here on earth.
619
00:52:48,360 --> 00:52:57,360
He's just going to float and he's going to feel insecure obviously.
620
00:52:57,360 --> 00:53:04,360
But the way out of insecurity isn't putting up a stronger front or being more forceful or being more controlling or trying to do something.
621
00:53:04,360 --> 00:53:10,360
Controlling or dominating or locking down or clamping down on reality.
622
00:53:10,360 --> 00:53:18,360
It's really opening up and being able to listen and feel what others are feeling.
623
00:53:18,360 --> 00:53:33,360
Because that's where the meat is of the real energy of the universe is in the emotions of others around you.
624
00:53:33,360 --> 00:53:42,360
So if you're someone listening to this, if you're a man listening to this.
625
00:53:42,360 --> 00:53:50,360
And something in this calls to you and it seems like there's something here for you.
626
00:53:50,360 --> 00:54:02,360
I challenge you to look inward, to look at yourself and to just be attentive for a little while to those little things.
627
00:54:02,360 --> 00:54:10,360
Little things that hurt you when you were young.
628
00:54:10,360 --> 00:54:21,360
Look back and bring a little bit of your awareness to those painful experiences you went through.
629
00:54:21,360 --> 00:54:24,360
And the ways that you react to those now.
630
00:54:24,360 --> 00:54:27,360
The ways that you put walls up, the ways you keep things away.
631
00:54:27,360 --> 00:54:35,360
The ways that you numb yourself out. But get real with yourself.
632
00:54:35,360 --> 00:54:52,360
And know that confronting those things, dealing with them, whether you need to get into some therapy, whether you need to get into some meditation, whether you need to connect with some other strong men who can help lead you forward and give you examples.
633
00:54:52,360 --> 00:54:59,360
I have a men's group called the kingdom that is all about this. This is what we do is work through this stuff together.
634
00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:15,360
And I challenge you to listen to that little calling inside of yourself because it is profoundly healing to confront these things.
635
00:55:15,360 --> 00:55:34,360
And to get through them so you can feel strong, not just act stronger, look strong, but actually feel strong because you have healed the things inside of you that allow yourself to be hurt.
636
00:55:34,360 --> 00:55:48,360
You can become untruggable, you can become unfuck withable, not by putting up fronts but by really doing the emotional work that it takes.
637
00:55:48,360 --> 00:56:03,360
And if there is one message that anyone takes away from this, it is that connecting emotionally and connecting to your sensitivity as a man does not make you weak.
638
00:56:03,360 --> 00:56:10,360
It is not weakness, it is strength.
639
00:56:10,360 --> 00:56:16,360
And so I appreciate everyone who listened all the way to the end of this episode.
640
00:56:16,360 --> 00:56:23,360
And know that this is what we do. We are here for you. If you need someone to work with, someone to reach out to.
641
00:56:23,360 --> 00:56:33,360
If you want to connect to truly deeply embodied strength, this is what infinite devotion is all about. And it is what my work with men is all about.
642
00:56:33,360 --> 00:56:42,360
It is bringing men home to their strength so that they can offer that to women in a way that sets them free.
643
00:56:42,360 --> 00:56:44,360
Thank you for listening.
